So Now We Got Butterflies… :

So a friend of mine decided to give me a sort of impromptu medicine reading. I guess that post workout would really help get me out of my all consuming panic attack. I think she severely underestimated my fear of butterflies.

That’s right. The first card I pulled was the butterfly. A card that apparently is all about transformation and change. Blegh. So to solve my falcon and wolf problem I need to embrace the changes that are happening in my life. Okay. I got the message. Next time can it come in another insect… A praying mantic, perhaps? I don’t want to fight my fear of change and my fear of butterflies.

Oh, the other card was Owl. Not surprising. I have always been drawn to owls and it has been assumed to be one of my totems. (deep menacing voice) “I am the great deceiver. Seer of the Truth. Seer of the Darkness.” (ノ´ヮ´)ノ*:・゚✧ Ah, that was fun for a moment.

I think the only thing I got out of it was laughter. A sort of confusion on why I have to think about such specific challenges like change, ambition, education and family. And I wonder if I am drawn to animals like crows then why is that not my totem, but another animal is…. I mean 5 seems like an oddly specific number.

I.L. Knight

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The Crow & The Butterfly – Shinedown

Recently IDK What’s Happening :

You know life works in strange ways. Everything can be S-U-P-E-R chaotic. A mess really. You can be dying of pain, disorganized, struggling, anxious and feeling alone. And then it just hands you an opportunity you’ve never thought of before.

Hell, you were just trying to struggle through the muck of your current life.

So how do I process three good things? (1) Another small milestone in my recovery from my diagnosis of an auto-immune disease, (2) a random author willing to self publish with me when I started my company to protect my own writing, and (3) a possible illustrator for my own stuff?

My life is a huge mess right now. And Karma is throwing me time consuming good things? Do I take it as a sign? As a new way of life? Positive growing pains?

What to do,

I.L. Knight

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When It Rains It Pours – Luke Combs

Motivation & Updates :

I’m finding it so hard to stay motivated and do what I got to do to build myself up as a trying to be an adult person that makes what I love earn money lately. There’s just so much going on :

  1. Healthcare forms/drug aid forms for both US/Canada
  2. Business Licensing
  3. Moving
  4. Last Week of One Of My Day Jobs equaling picking up crazy hours of extra shifts
  5. The Holidays I’m missing and the frustration of my crazy family about it
  6. Sleep Problems
  7. Inability to still get all of heavily important medications
  8. The stress of returning to school with no close friends (the pains of adulthood) and a bunch of disappointed professors in me + OH YEAH MEMORY FOG ISSUES
  9. The exhaustion of Funcutional Training and the toll it has on my body
  10. The desire to find time to WRITE MY OWN SHIT
  11. The necessity to go last minute shopping for goods and clothes which I had hated even before I gained weight
  12. Still being in the very early stages of my recovery/adjustment of my auto-immune disease diagnosis
  13. Just generally being an awkward skeletal panda thingy mabob
  14. Balancing my Mental Health and my barely recognized depression and suicidal nature

I’m so tired y’all. I don’t even have the energy to pop on my new filter for my mic,

I.L Knight

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Sick and Tired – Anastacia

Finally Taking a Step :

So because of someone named Mina, I am now actually working with trying to figure out OBS ?_? . It’s not going great guys. BUUUUUT  to flash a little hint of what we were trying to get work before LAG took over.

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Figuring a funny Intro video before we get into all of the other stuffs?

I.L. Knight

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I’ll Be There For You – Bon Jovi

TV Shows :

So there has been this trend in Tv shows lately with introducing characters to JUST DIE or making a deal of  sadness and death in characters’ lives. But let me just say this :  FUCKING STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! I don’t know if it is because of GOT or what, but my achey breaky heart can’t deal with it. Stein’s death in Arrowverse crossover, redemption death in The Gifted…. The entire collection of sub-points of This is Us! Juuuust stooooop it ( I cry enough)….

A very teary eyed,

I.L. Knight

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Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult

On Writing F.F. :

I sort of understand the plight of translators more and how it makes it harder to actually write for yourself. I’ve always done quick translation work for a few easy $$, but now that I’ve been on such a Fan Fiction binge my mind is only full with how I went to finish those specific pieces. But I’ve been too busy to sit down and complete them, so I haven’t been able to clear my head at all. I can’t sit down and write anything original now. (´Д`υ)

No time. No room. No brain power.

I.L. Knight

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Fan Fiction Song – Megangore

On Confusing Heritage : Getting Reacquainted

So seeing that Jason Momoa video also kind of reminded me of an interesting point. Jason Momoa’s step daughter Zoe Kravitz (can’t do accent for some reason) is of mixed heritage. They all are. Zoe’s mother, Lisa Bonet, comes from a Jewish mother and an African American Father. While Lenny Kravitz comes from a Jewish father and an African American mother. Jason Momoa himself is Caucasian and Hawaiian. Putting aside the obvious sub point that most people make that mixed kids are beautiful it reminded of something more personal.

You see, Zoe Kravitz admitted growing up she didn’t have connection to her African American heritage and identified as white. Now, she is interested in reconnecting with that side of her roots. Personally, I think it is a wonderful move on her part, because it is a part of who you are. But it also confuses me. Lenny Kravitz identifies as Christian when it comes to religion. I’m pretty sure Lisa Bonet identifies as spiritual, drawing from all walks of life for inspiration and understanding. But I don’t understand 100% of that decision.

People only like to admit being of Jewish descent in situational moments like this, when they aren’t religiously Jewish in some article. However, the religion of Judaism is separate from the ethnic background. It seems like although raised within the Jewish religion they gave up on their ethnic dies. As Lisa Bonet and Zoe Kravitz are technically by Orthodox standards ‘Truly of Jewish decent’ due to their matrilineal line. So why then is there this seemingly disconnect with that part of their heritage? Sure, in America the Jewish community is looked down upon by other Jewish communities for a lack of spirituality, but we do embrace our ethnic ties in some ways.

It makes me think about my own family. Where things are a little confusing, because it was some secret that wasn’t supposed to be brought up that we weren’t ‘truly of Jewish decent’ based on our religious affiliation. You see my grandmother’s heritage gets very mixed as you go back. You draw in many european and asian ethnic groups such as: Spanish, British, Swedish, German, Mediterranean, a few different Eastern European groups and my favorite the apparent Cossack Russian. I mean my grandmother was only Jewish, because her Swedish Grandmother married a Jew of Spanish/British decent. Her mother then married a Jewish man of seemingly German, Russian and Middle Eastern descent (all Jews claim the traits of their Middle Eastern ancestors sticking within them). My grandmother married my grandfather who was ‘truly Jewish’ by his Austrian and Polish descent. My mom in her rebellion married a Canadian of Scottish, British and French decent (from what I know). Yet, with all of this somehow I was still Jewish. Being Jewish was so hard core pushed on me I found little ways to reject it. I defined it only as my ethnic background, I didn’t go to hebrew school and certainly didn’t join in the community service groups. Temple was an only Yom Kippur thing, because I believed in fasting. Jewish was my ethnicity. It was the only thing I could embrace: not being white. I wasn’t like them. Now, I look back on it like I was even more stupid then people told me.

A couple of years ago, I went to Taiwan to live in a monastery to explore my growing interest in Buddhism. The experience was the best thing in my life so far when it came to becoming a person. It’s funny, the more I involved myself in the community the more I would read books on other Jews who explored Buddhism. One of my favorite authors is a woman by the name of Sylvia Boorstein. Who asserts her Jewish beliefs through Buddhist daily life practices. It was fascinating. The dots of this not connecting until someone who lived with me made an awfully racist comment about Jews. Suddenly, I was compelled to take up arms that I was a Jew and would not tolerate that. Then he pointed out that most of us aren’t ‘truly of Jewish descent’ by our own standards. And gosh dammit, why was he fucking right. Two things happened in that moment: (1) somehow I understood what Sylvia Boorstein was talking about and how I was rediscovering the Jewish religion through the lens of Buddhism and (2) I truly cared about my ethnic ties. It wasn’t just I am not white anymore, because in truth I was.

How could I miss that? I am so far from the Jewish stereotype people still ask me what I am doing for Christmas. Even liking Adam Sandler surprises people. I had to take a hard look at myself, because I lived my whole life by not being another white person. In truth, I don’t think anything I ever did up to that was about the Jewish religion. It was just my cultural upbringing. Then I remembered it wasn’t the only part of it. You see there was a trickle down effect of the smallest things that clung to my family like a desperate plea to remember. Times of Swedish dinners passed down by my great-great grandmother, stories of Norse gods and Russian fairytales, Yiddish and German in the household, and nights going to hockey games because I was Canadian. Looking back on it now I find it funny. It was like I did exactly what young Zoe Kravitz did. I embraced something because that was the environment at the time.

I truly respect her choices when it comes to exploring her heritage, but it still confuses me. It’s like a part of it seems to be overlooked. How could you do that? I mean I had to admit to myself I was a white person. I was mixed, by everyone’s standards. No one said anything about it, because I was pale. Only saying I was annoying, because I suddenly realized I want to identify as mixed. Like the right was not mine to say.

Their comments just made me place more importance in reconnecting to the heritage that was still passed down. It was a part of me that I had to now embrace and accept. I just don’t understand why in her interview with the press that never seemed to come up. Both African American and Jewish ethnic ties are her makeup. Seriously, she runs a high risk of health problems, because of us so it might be wise to know that.

Wonderful choice, but a choice that makes me feel slightly wrong and empty. It was another person not realizing that Jews are an ethnic group and Judaism is a religion. They don’t always go hand in hand. Why not think about that too? I try to now. I left my sheltered South Florida bubble. I wish more people would too, because at the end of the day it’s not about religion. It’s about recognizing who you are and accepting it as a joyful thing. Ethnic descent is a part of that.

Zoe Kravitz brings up my own confusion. Even though I know nothing about her personal journey. She could feel connected to it by all means. Yet, I am confused. If you seemingly deny it then I am just another American talking about not ethnically being American, because my great-great-great-great grandfather was Irish. I mean, ethnically no one is American except actual Native Americans. But I get the whole it’s kind of hypocritically, because we are so patriotic about our countries some times… But I don’t think I am a part of that. Parts of of these ethnic ties did survive in horribly understated cliché ways.

I am figuring out what I am separate of my religion. The food I eat, the stories I am told as a child, the music I listen to in the background, the dances I saw my family dance aren’t about religion. They are the backbones of culture itself. So while I am figuring out this confusion and watching others try to figure it out let me try to have changing opinions of others who may have similar confusion. Maybe let me have a temporary tittle of ‘mixed’ even?

Life is confusing enough now a days. Why make someone else’s life harder by being like that? I just want to figure out what it was like for my grandmother to Move from Sweden to the U.K. How did she bring British culture and Spanish culture into our lives. How did Russian stews survive, a barely spoken European language or a fondness for fermented fish and Lingon berries become an iconic part of who I am. It’s not much. It really is only a trickle down effect.

But in all the confusion I have as a person, I grasp on to it as a lifeline to a steady foundation. It is a part of me…. So Jason Momoa, the Kravitzs and anyone else out there struggling with confusion. Hold on to the confusion, because its changing viewpoints will help you grow I think. You are not one thing or two. You are just the combination of all sorts of things. And you will have a solid foundation at the end of it all.

I am still trying to find answers, but now I understand just a little bit more of myself… Thank You my dear loved ones (´・` )♡ .

I.L. Knight

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German Cradle Song

I am Building My House – Joe Crone

In The People’s Republic of China – Ella Jenkins

Accidental Racist – Brad Paisley Feat LL Cool J

Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I’ve been wrestling with the idea for years on wether or not I should have a podcast.  On one hand, it is a great platform to talk about my interests and explore areas I never thought I could explore. On the other hand, it is also an activity that challenges my anxieties about using technology, maintaining a schedule and truly promoting a person. It shouldn’t be such a daunting decision, but it feels like with the media relevant day and age we are in that it is a much bigger choice then what it initially lets on. Putting aside the pros of it all I see two major cons: (1)OBS basic software is a challenge for me on it’s own and (2) would anyone watch a podcast without seeing the person’s face. I mean… I would still want to keep that feeling of anonymity. I like following in the footsteps of past female writers. AND I love the fact a pen name gives off the feeling anyone could basically be the writer. A podcast would just destroy that? No?

All that being said…. I did write an intro script and one on Jason Todd (because yea right I would wing it).

SHOULD I? SHOULDN’T I?

I.L. Knight

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Carry On My Wayward Son – Kansas

Upcoming Week Update

As you’ve just seen there’s been a flood of posts. This was due to some pain I was having from a flare up in my joints. But fear not good folks, De pain is…manageable-ish.  Writing updates and websites are scheduled to come in large waves this upcoming week. Because I’ve decided to challenge myself! An actual post a day and one type of other update. AT LEAST! If I’m so scared to return back to school I at least need to be able to do something like this! Right?

A nervously determined,

I.L. Knight

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Defying Gravity – Wicked