Finally Taking a Step :

So because of someone named Mina, I am now actually working with trying to figure out OBS ?_? . It’s not going great guys. BUUUUUT  to flash a little hint of what we were trying to get work before LAG took over.

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Figuring a funny Intro video before we get into all of the other stuffs?

I.L. Knight

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I’ll Be There For You – Bon Jovi

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Why No Updates Then Flood? :

So you may have noticed everything has been silent then like 12 things at once appears? The reason is sort of 3 fold. (1) I am returning to school soon and have a SHIT-TON of last minute  to-dos ( to the point where I can’t even joke about it). (2) Because life – all of my tec related stuffs around me keeps consistently and MAJORLY breaking. (3) The anxiety of returning back to school has me SHUTTING DOWN.

I’ve never understood  how physical fears I can sort of handle (like crises and clowns), but emotional anxieties have me shut down in a corner. Can’t move, think, even breathe sometimes. And let me tell you… returning to school has me in that state.

I lost my pride and confidence to Ankylosing Spondylitis and this struggle to get it back isn’t a sign to me I can return to school and be a proper student again. If I have always been the smart one and my struggle with things like just the chronic fatigue and memory fog is enough to make studying seemingly pointless at times, then what am I anymore?

I just feel so shaken, y’all.

I.L. Knight

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Whom Shall I Fear – Chris Tomlin

On Raising Children In New Money South Florida :

Everyone likes to say raising children and being a young family in New Money South Florida is just one of those things that happens, because it it is a good environment for it. It’s not. Raising your child in that environment is one of the worst things you can do! Trust me, I grew up in Boca Raton, been to most of the schools and have 2 relatives in the Education system.  DON’T DO IT. It’s not worth it in the end. TRUST ME. The things I’ve seen, heard and experienced would make some tv shows about American teenagers and their lives look understated.

That being said, every once in awhile you meet a family that somehow is keeping everything right. Today I got to have a conversation with one such a family. To think the lesson of Be Kind survived in their children. In the entire family! Furthermore, even though the youngest daughter is having problems in school with making friends she’s ACTUALLY a happy, hopeful and full of SMILES! IT’S REMARKABLE! !!(⊃ Д)⊃≡゚ ゚

To those of you who don’t know the area, let me tell you this is on the same level as the rarity of… Well, anything that’s ever been rare basically. It just doesn’t really happen here!

I feel so blessed and happy to have been able to witness it. It sort of gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for humanity again. And to be asked by their family to continue to be a role model for the kid and help make her laugh… Bull shit or not, it kind of makes my heart flutter in ways I forgot it could.

Please don’t ruin her wold and let her keep these supportive parents!

I.L. Knight

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One Tribe – Black Eyed Peas

Benihana’s :

I’ve been wanting to say this for YEARS :

Benihana’s SUCKS. And let me tell you why. First off, for a Japanese restaurant there’s barely any “Japanese” meal choices on the menu. And yea sure they are a Hibachi resteraunt, but even your hibachi doesn’t really resemble “Japanese-American food” anymore with your stomachache inducing garlic butter  bad BBQ. Secondly,  every time I am forced to go to one they are out of something important. Like 1/2 of their Sake menu or Tamago! How does a Japanese restaurant run out of Tamago? Let alone a restaurant run out of eggs!?!?!?! Plus. there is no actual Japanese desserts on the menu. For an over priced restaurant there should be SOME authenticity to the actual cuisine you are trying to represent in the slightest. Mad props to the owner/creator of Red Flower, becauseyou managed to seel 1/2 ass over priced food to a bunch of dumb Americans who just want large portions. 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

And even though I don’t find your restaurant worth it all, I am still forced to go because you have brainwashed my Aunt to require her birthday there EVERY YEAR.

Your Japanese birthday song and Ramune Soda ain’t cute. So over it,

I.L. Knight

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Benihana – Trey Songz

TV Shows :

So there has been this trend in Tv shows lately with introducing characters to JUST DIE or making a deal of  sadness and death in characters’ lives. But let me just say this :  FUCKING STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! I don’t know if it is because of GOT or what, but my achey breaky heart can’t deal with it. Stein’s death in Arrowverse crossover, redemption death in The Gifted…. The entire collection of sub-points of This is Us! Juuuust stooooop it ( I cry enough)….

A very teary eyed,

I.L. Knight

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Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult

On Writing F.F. :

I sort of understand the plight of translators more and how it makes it harder to actually write for yourself. I’ve always done quick translation work for a few easy $$, but now that I’ve been on such a Fan Fiction binge my mind is only full with how I went to finish those specific pieces. But I’ve been too busy to sit down and complete them, so I haven’t been able to clear my head at all. I can’t sit down and write anything original now. (´Д`υ)

No time. No room. No brain power.

I.L. Knight

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Fan Fiction Song – Megangore

What Babysitting Has Taught Me:

  1. Kids are tiny Satans
  2. I still want tiny Satans, just not the ones I babysit
  3. When tiny Satans hug you you forget for a moment they are tiny Satans, but then they fracture your finger and your eyes bleed
  4. My mother doesn’t respect me as an adult at all
  5. My mother’s inability to admit wether or not she likes me is a tell tale sign we have issues
  6. I understand my mother’s issues with me more…
  7. But because it’s her issues with me #sorrynotsorry
  8. I love my mom…. *deep deep deep down*

An Exhausted,

I.L. Knight

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Sorry Not Sorry – Demi Lovato

The Gifted

Let me just say this Marvel : You really have stepped up your game. Maybe it’s because of that Disney $$, maybe you just learned what you needed to do. But you’ve gone and done it, because I can’t stop crying. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS WEEK’S EPISODE. At all… I mean I know the characters comic book history, so I should of been able to guess something as the show progressed….BUT I CAN’T HANDLE YOU HAVING AN OLD MAN WHO MADE SOME AWFUL CHOICES FOR ‘THE BETTERMENT OF SOCIETY AND HIS FAMILY” ATTONE BY SUICIDAL ACTIONS. I mean he fucking saved his family. He let them know what was going on and he explained why he was an ass to his son. That he regrets taking away his powers… (In season 2 come up with a way for him to get it back ok)… MARVEL I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I come from an emotionally broken home. AND you killed both him and Pulse. WHY. WHYYYYYY. I mean can’t he at least meet his grandkids, or something. Also maybe give a better explanation of what his powers were and why they worked against Pulse? Ugh, just stop tearing at my heart strings, because it’s not prepared. OKAY!?!?!

Praying the Runaways will not do this too me,

I.L. Knight

P.S. I know if it follows the comics it definitely will…. UGH

P.S.S. Are we possibly going to see a somehow surviving pair of old relatives?

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Blood – Allison Moorer

On Confusing Heritage : Getting Reacquainted

So seeing that Jason Momoa video also kind of reminded me of an interesting point. Jason Momoa’s step daughter Zoe Kravitz (can’t do accent for some reason) is of mixed heritage. They all are. Zoe’s mother, Lisa Bonet, comes from a Jewish mother and an African American Father. While Lenny Kravitz comes from a Jewish father and an African American mother. Jason Momoa himself is Caucasian and Hawaiian. Putting aside the obvious sub point that most people make that mixed kids are beautiful it reminded of something more personal.

You see, Zoe Kravitz admitted growing up she didn’t have connection to her African American heritage and identified as white. Now, she is interested in reconnecting with that side of her roots. Personally, I think it is a wonderful move on her part, because it is a part of who you are. But it also confuses me. Lenny Kravitz identifies as Christian when it comes to religion. I’m pretty sure Lisa Bonet identifies as spiritual, drawing from all walks of life for inspiration and understanding. But I don’t understand 100% of that decision.

People only like to admit being of Jewish descent in situational moments like this, when they aren’t religiously Jewish in some article. However, the religion of Judaism is separate from the ethnic background. It seems like although raised within the Jewish religion they gave up on their ethnic dies. As Lisa Bonet and Zoe Kravitz are technically by Orthodox standards ‘Truly of Jewish decent’ due to their matrilineal line. So why then is there this seemingly disconnect with that part of their heritage? Sure, in America the Jewish community is looked down upon by other Jewish communities for a lack of spirituality, but we do embrace our ethnic ties in some ways.

It makes me think about my own family. Where things are a little confusing, because it was some secret that wasn’t supposed to be brought up that we weren’t ‘truly of Jewish decent’ based on our religious affiliation. You see my grandmother’s heritage gets very mixed as you go back. You draw in many european and asian ethnic groups such as: Spanish, British, Swedish, German, Mediterranean, a few different Eastern European groups and my favorite the apparent Cossack Russian. I mean my grandmother was only Jewish, because her Swedish Grandmother married a Jew of Spanish/British decent. Her mother then married a Jewish man of seemingly German, Russian and Middle Eastern descent (all Jews claim the traits of their Middle Eastern ancestors sticking within them). My grandmother married my grandfather who was ‘truly Jewish’ by his Austrian and Polish descent. My mom in her rebellion married a Canadian of Scottish, British and French decent (from what I know). Yet, with all of this somehow I was still Jewish. Being Jewish was so hard core pushed on me I found little ways to reject it. I defined it only as my ethnic background, I didn’t go to hebrew school and certainly didn’t join in the community service groups. Temple was an only Yom Kippur thing, because I believed in fasting. Jewish was my ethnicity. It was the only thing I could embrace: not being white. I wasn’t like them. Now, I look back on it like I was even more stupid then people told me.

A couple of years ago, I went to Taiwan to live in a monastery to explore my growing interest in Buddhism. The experience was the best thing in my life so far when it came to becoming a person. It’s funny, the more I involved myself in the community the more I would read books on other Jews who explored Buddhism. One of my favorite authors is a woman by the name of Sylvia Boorstein. Who asserts her Jewish beliefs through Buddhist daily life practices. It was fascinating. The dots of this not connecting until someone who lived with me made an awfully racist comment about Jews. Suddenly, I was compelled to take up arms that I was a Jew and would not tolerate that. Then he pointed out that most of us aren’t ‘truly of Jewish descent’ by our own standards. And gosh dammit, why was he fucking right. Two things happened in that moment: (1) somehow I understood what Sylvia Boorstein was talking about and how I was rediscovering the Jewish religion through the lens of Buddhism and (2) I truly cared about my ethnic ties. It wasn’t just I am not white anymore, because in truth I was.

How could I miss that? I am so far from the Jewish stereotype people still ask me what I am doing for Christmas. Even liking Adam Sandler surprises people. I had to take a hard look at myself, because I lived my whole life by not being another white person. In truth, I don’t think anything I ever did up to that was about the Jewish religion. It was just my cultural upbringing. Then I remembered it wasn’t the only part of it. You see there was a trickle down effect of the smallest things that clung to my family like a desperate plea to remember. Times of Swedish dinners passed down by my great-great grandmother, stories of Norse gods and Russian fairytales, Yiddish and German in the household, and nights going to hockey games because I was Canadian. Looking back on it now I find it funny. It was like I did exactly what young Zoe Kravitz did. I embraced something because that was the environment at the time.

I truly respect her choices when it comes to exploring her heritage, but it still confuses me. It’s like a part of it seems to be overlooked. How could you do that? I mean I had to admit to myself I was a white person. I was mixed, by everyone’s standards. No one said anything about it, because I was pale. Only saying I was annoying, because I suddenly realized I want to identify as mixed. Like the right was not mine to say.

Their comments just made me place more importance in reconnecting to the heritage that was still passed down. It was a part of me that I had to now embrace and accept. I just don’t understand why in her interview with the press that never seemed to come up. Both African American and Jewish ethnic ties are her makeup. Seriously, she runs a high risk of health problems, because of us so it might be wise to know that.

Wonderful choice, but a choice that makes me feel slightly wrong and empty. It was another person not realizing that Jews are an ethnic group and Judaism is a religion. They don’t always go hand in hand. Why not think about that too? I try to now. I left my sheltered South Florida bubble. I wish more people would too, because at the end of the day it’s not about religion. It’s about recognizing who you are and accepting it as a joyful thing. Ethnic descent is a part of that.

Zoe Kravitz brings up my own confusion. Even though I know nothing about her personal journey. She could feel connected to it by all means. Yet, I am confused. If you seemingly deny it then I am just another American talking about not ethnically being American, because my great-great-great-great grandfather was Irish. I mean, ethnically no one is American except actual Native Americans. But I get the whole it’s kind of hypocritically, because we are so patriotic about our countries some times… But I don’t think I am a part of that. Parts of of these ethnic ties did survive in horribly understated cliché ways.

I am figuring out what I am separate of my religion. The food I eat, the stories I am told as a child, the music I listen to in the background, the dances I saw my family dance aren’t about religion. They are the backbones of culture itself. So while I am figuring out this confusion and watching others try to figure it out let me try to have changing opinions of others who may have similar confusion. Maybe let me have a temporary tittle of ‘mixed’ even?

Life is confusing enough now a days. Why make someone else’s life harder by being like that? I just want to figure out what it was like for my grandmother to Move from Sweden to the U.K. How did she bring British culture and Spanish culture into our lives. How did Russian stews survive, a barely spoken European language or a fondness for fermented fish and Lingon berries become an iconic part of who I am. It’s not much. It really is only a trickle down effect.

But in all the confusion I have as a person, I grasp on to it as a lifeline to a steady foundation. It is a part of me…. So Jason Momoa, the Kravitzs and anyone else out there struggling with confusion. Hold on to the confusion, because its changing viewpoints will help you grow I think. You are not one thing or two. You are just the combination of all sorts of things. And you will have a solid foundation at the end of it all.

I am still trying to find answers, but now I understand just a little bit more of myself… Thank You my dear loved ones (´・` )♡ .

I.L. Knight

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German Cradle Song

I am Building My House – Joe Crone

In The People’s Republic of China – Ella Jenkins

Accidental Racist – Brad Paisley Feat LL Cool J