Frustration

The Ultimate Frustration :

I sat in a cafe for an hour trying to explain to my friend he is fucked…

Me: You have to understand B the good guys don’t win.

*B looks at you slightly annoyed by the obvious answer.*

B: I know that.

*Me orders another cup of tea and sighs.*

Why …. FOR THE LOVE OF G-D can you not tell you are the good guy…..the way too good guy… the never going to get guy…. the guy who needs to just kiss the girl… or do anything… Please B… do anything…

I am tired of ordering so much tea.

I.L. Knight

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Kiss the Girl – The Little Mermaid

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Questionnaire(s)

This is what happens when your friends tell you to look at the questionnaire they filled out:

(a) Proust:

_1._What is your idea of perfect happiness? Living in a “modernized” traditional house (a.k.a converted Japanese Shrine) right outside a city. Where I can edit manuscripts, see my grandkids, feed the random stray forty cats who visit my courtyard and maybe still have a husband.
_2._What is your greatest fear? Uncertainty (mostly in the form of happiness) and clowns // or uncertain clowns! … And Butterflies
_3._What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Pride 
_4._What is the trait you most deplore in others? Giving Loyalty easily + and not following through with it. // Pitying others
_5._Which living person do you most admire? The Spirits of: Robin Williams // Nelson Mandela // Alan Rickman // Heath Ledger 
_6._What is your greatest extravagance? Pajamas // Shoes
_7._What is your current state of mind? Attempting to find Silver Linings (and rationalizing why that movie is decent)
_8._What do you consider the most overrated virtue? “Niceness” // “Faith”
_9._On what occasion do you lie? I have a problem of lies of omission…
_10._What do you most dislike about your appearance? My unbalanced frame
_11._Which living person do you most despise? I don’t despise anyone…too much effort. I’d rather wait for them to burn and enjoy the view with popcorn.
_12._What is the quality you most like in a man? Intelligence // “Coldness”
_13._What is the quality you most like in a woman? When they aren’t exhibiting: Cattiness // Manipulation — “When they aren’t Women”
_14._Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Literally // Honestly
_15._What or who is the greatest love of your life? Me Cat? 
_16._When and where were you happiest? On top of a Mountain, above the clouds, barely any people, at a monastery in Taiwan.
_17._Which talent would you most like to have? Writing // Resolve
_18._If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would make myself better at follow through.
_19._What do you consider your greatest achievement? Still being alive.
_20._If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? An old fat cat on some wealthy South Carolina family’s porch.
_21._Where would you most like to live? South Korea // Japan – with a family house in the SOUTH 😉
_22._What is your most treasured possession? The old sweaters my grandfather gave me
_23._What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being alone…like for a long period of time…like 40 years of hermithood
_24._What is your favorite occupation? Writer // Startup Ceo 
_25._What is your most marked characteristic? My expressions -> “Kawaii-ness”
_26._What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty
_27._Who are your favorite writers? John Milton // Dante // Rick Riordan // Alfred Lord Tennyson // Langston Hughes
_28._Who is your hero of fiction? I have waifus…Do waifus count?
_29._Which historical figure do you most identify with? Joan of Arc
_30._Who are your heroes in real life? I like Villians // Anti – Hereos // And Selected Chaotic Neutrals
_31._What are your favorite names? Darien (f) // Damien // Crow // Blake (f) // Leon // Adele // Joan // Grey // Laurent // Landon
_32._What is it that you most dislike? …really just one?…
_33._What is your greatest regret? Allowing myself to become a victim of pity. A person should never use pity as a self identifier
_34._How would you like to die? I don’t really care as long as it is not too prolonged or painful. OR causes a mess….But my funeral needs to be epic.
_35._What is your motto? “It’s better to Reign in Hell then Serve in Heaven…But I’m Jewish so who the hell cares. I’ll end up in Purgatory no matter what I do!”
  — If you know you are going to fall down enjoy the ride there 😉
(b) Pivot:
  1. What is your favorite word?  Cheshire
  2. What is your least favorite word? Moist
  3. What turns you on? I don’t know yet. Check back when I achieve emotional growth in my next leveling.
  4. What turns you off? “All- American” – ness
  5. What is your favorite curse word? There are so many…. I’m a bonafide Sailor… Let’s go with Scheiße! “Shit”
  6. What sound or noise do you love? Cat purrs 
  7. What sound or noise do you hate? Kids screaming // pots and pans echoes // Slurping Sounds
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Grim Reaper // Shinigami
  9. What profession would you not like to do? Any cubicle job
  10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? This is not a joke. You did manage to get here. That being said you can go left for fun hell or right for Valhalla… or back for administration work.
  11. FunFact :: These questions were originally asked on “Bouillon de Culture” by Bernard Pivot.

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Robin Williams Speech Seize The Day – Dead Poet’s Society

An Update

I know at times I tend to be a little much. It doesn’t escape me that behind and in front of my backs I am known to be intense at times. I always want to apologize for that. I want to learn how to be in the middle. Being too up or down isn’t good for social relationships. And that’s the final aim right? To be able to be and comfortable with people…Not only comfortable with people, but comfortable with the ups and downs of a week. 
This week was definitely full of ups and downs. There was the big downs of hell and the unexpected ups that got me through the week. I’m going to start with the downs, because I really want to end on a more positive note. I think it’s good to remind yourself that things will eventually turn towards a positive end and ride on a that wave for awhile.
The first disaster of the week was over my family not liking my choice of halloween costume. Silly, I know. But somehow my choice of going as skeleton shooter Tate, from American Horror Story, got misinterpreted as me being a psychopath and not being competent to take care of myself or live on my own. It led to my mother telling me she was gonna call my college and my grandmother freaking out that she should come up and check in on me. It was not a pleasant experience. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry. No one enjoys being labeled a psychopath (which I am not..).
The second issue was being called in for a vote on wether or not I was fired from a job I was already fired from (UNFAIRLY I MIGHT ADD). Apparently they hadn’t gone about it constitutionally and needed to vote on it. It was all really just for show and by the end of it I felt roasted and presented in a horrible light. The third thing was a result of these two things. It was my first ever panic attack. One that hit hard and fast. I barely even remember it. What I do remember is my roommate finding me in the dark on the floor of our house, curled up in a ball and listening to some country music. I had no idea how long I had been there. My next memory is when I woke up the next day and in my bed, with the cuts on my arm. It was my roommate who told me what I did. I remembered doing them later on in the week. I’m not too worried about it though…I don’t think it will happen again. I have many overly angsty vices and issues, but this is not one of mine. I am more worried about not remembering doing it and what led me to doing it at all. 
Now, for the positives.The first one is going to seem a little weird. My close friend is checking on me through my blog. Not out of worry, just because I am really bad at long distance communication. And to be honest, it makes me feel good. Flattered, almost. It shows my friend cares about me, even though I suck at communicating with her. Plus, I can use it to check out her own hidden blog http://unwantedpersonals.tumblr.com . It’s pretty good blog, even if she totally tells everyone about checking on me! The second good thing was being able to get some studying down! Thank Jesus and Hallelujah! It’s been forever since I’ve been able to get decent studying done. This was just what the doctor ordered for me. The last was a combination of three days of good sleep and forcing myself to enjoy going out with friends. It really helped pour gold into the cracks of my shell. 
All in all, at the end of this I feel more determined to try and continue to do things I don’t normally like to do and continue working on myself. Not everything in life needs to be about the bad that goes on. Sometimes, I can be present in all the little acts of good.
 
Love,
I.L. Knight
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P.s. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE BORUTO

Ratatat …

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I am horrible at being a female. Especially when it comes to pets. I am a huge reptile fan. Furthermore, after an afternoon of playing with my friend’s rats I am now a die hard rat fan. Rats are adorable and friendly. Maybe I should get pet rats…

I.L. Knight

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The Schemers, The Scroungers and The Rats – The King Blues

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYbHsohMpKU