The No-Pants Day Phenomenon

Today’s my first ever No-Pants Day. I know this, because both sound and light are apostles of the Anti-Christ and my head feels like an animated movie scene where the Looney Tune is going up and down on the concrete, because of an uncontrollable jack hammer. Unlike my No-Pants Day phenomenon it has been awhile since I’ve had one of these… Still, I’m not writing to dwell on the desire to bash my head through the wall. Oh no. You see for the strangest of reasons I find this No-Pants Day phenomenon somewhat exhilarating. So much so, for the first time in ages I want to write again. 
My first thought is back before all of this. Before the self discovery. The existential crises. Before the physical pain and before the utter recognition that I have descended into the realm of madness completely. I used to be a runner. Not a good one, but I was still one. I used to love to fight as well. One strike. One moment of clarity returned to my scattered mind. That was taken away from me. “Momentarily” of course. Still, I was in shape and I hadn’t even known I was.
I thought I was chubby. My biggest insecurity: legs. All I wanted was the Heroin-Chic/Mod/P Pastel Goth type of body frame. But no matter the actions I took I couldn’t change the fact I had muscular athletic legs. Mother Nature’s choice of body frame was set. My insecurity was worsened by the fact of my over conscious recognition of being un-balanced. Asymmetrical. Short, curvy frame, minuscule features, legs and arms that are “occasionally” different lengths, because of joint issues and detrimental Pride issues. How could I love my legs? I wanted legs with not just a thigh gap, but nothing on them. I wanted tight jeans and over sized tops. All I wanted at the time was to look somewhere between drug addict and tough. Silly I guess. But people are silly. In the end, I still don’t really like my legs.
On this No-Pants Day I feel the occasional rub of the legs touching and I want to be shot in the head. It’s awful. The feeling of skin rubbing against skin…is a crime. Like someone is poking me with a hot rod. But still. I haven’t put on pants. I once went twelve days without pooping and had to be hospitalize. During that time I still fought for the right to wear pants. So hard in fact that I had won against both the doctors and my own discomfort. 
Honestly, I am writing partly due to the shock of it all. Why not wearing pants is a phenomenon that after months of pain makes me feel something again. I wanted to laugh… but that’s still gone. It seems like I really don’t have that option, so I tried crying. But that didn’t work either for me. And what seems to be working is on my bed with a fuzzy blue blanket, a blue gel pen, a yellow paper lined notepad and an old TV one season show playing teen drama in the back ground (The Tomorrow People). Sound… Egh.
A year ago I wanted to write a book. A sequel of sorts to a book I’ve yet to finish. The first was to be called Eating Matzot Under the Bodhi Tree. It was a collection of things resembling essays when all my new problems began. I was on the taster course and wanted to find inspiration again. Turned out I had the chance to leave the continent for the first time and go to one of the places I’ve dreamed of: Taiwan. It was pretty fantastic. Although, when I returned I soon developed a bitter regret of sorts as an after taste. I immediately wanted that feeling to be a sequel collection. An after to returning to the real world or real problems down the mountain.  The name… Finding Valhalla. Totally different sounding right? I’m sort of awful like that. But it had the feeling. I could feel the bitter regret. 
Right now, I’m wondering if something like a strange exhilaration of wearing no pants is something that would be a part of that sequel collection. It’s not like in the two years since I had the idea I’ve really written anything for it. The problem with bitter emotions is it stops achievement and emotional inspiration. Hard to write with that dilemma. Yet, now I am? Isn’t something like this perfect then? I should have a moment of recognition for the phenomenon of No-Pants Day?
Finding Valhalla was sort of a different kind of Ode for me. Being in Asia with a group of foreigners made me think a lot about my ancestors. How I’ve always perceived myself as Jewish and part of a bubble like community of South Florida. But that wasn’t all I was. A part of me grew up with passed down Swedish traditions. Very little at this point. Most of it centering around food and random stories…Yet, just as lingonberries are apart of my breakfast no matter their mark up price, so was the idea of Sweden. 
Then I thought about school. When we learned about the Greek Gods for a year and everyone had opinions. I didn’t really have that attachment. I wanted Odin. Why is it only the Greeks and Romans? There exists so many others. And they all seem to teach different things! When I was very tiny and wasn’t watching old Yakuza flicks I read mostly Norse and Russian myths. What I discovered was an unhealthy enjoyment of Baba Yaga and a weird morality lesson from Valhalla. Within those pages I got a sense of understanding of my place.  What I’m supposed to feel in my final moments. That’s how the name and idea of bitter regrets connected for me. Not only was I no longer doing anything more then existing I seemed to lose sight of my personal path towards Valhalla. Especially, since warfare (even if I probably couldn’t exist within that society at this point) wasn’t how the world operated anymore.
This No-Pants Day phenomenon makes me double back to that. That feeling of striking out. Like I’ve swung a hammer against my own personal foe and have landed a scratch it will remember. Bitter regrets? Yea, I have plenty? Insecurities about my legs? You better believe it. Unending battle against finding my place in a world that is increasingly difficult for highly intelligent but conditioned to be a nervous dog within society? Yep, still in full swing. But somehow…Even if I haven’t really done anything and am I pain I feel as if I’ve swung my sword for the first time in ages. Like I get better end then Biorn did by almost getting to the point where I have the choice of running away from Judaic-Christian Fatality. 

 

This moment aside, I will certainly not make this habit. I intend to still be a pants sort of person…
I.L. Knight
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Why Jason Todd ?

Why Jason Todd was my favorite Robin and still has the potential to be again :

Before the creation of Damian Wayne my favorite Robin was probably everyone’s least favorite Robin, Jason Todd.  To be blunt about why I had issues with the main Robins Dick Grayson and Tim Drake would be to admit that they are characters that felt predictable. The first Robin, Dick Grayson, against every other person’s vote is probably my least favorite Robin. He is prideful, showy, whorish, and the archetype of a specific comic book character : an annoyingly perfect ward. After so many years of Dick Grayson and the successful development of the Nightwing comics I can’t get over the feeling that Dick Grayson is simply always going to be Dick Grayson. The recent story line of him possibly finding true love, not with the most widely desired partner Barbra Gordon, but with ex-villain Shawn Tsang happens to be really interesting. I love when DC brings in those smaller characters in a very smooth way. I also especially love her for a character like Dick Grayson, because she was able to shock me. Shawn does an unexpectedly great job at making me enjoy Dick Grayson again. However, knowing DC’s patterns with Dick Grayson makes me less then hopeful of this feeling or their relationship continuing. The third Robin was Tim Drake. Unlike Dick Grayson, I don’t think Tim Drake necessarily is a frustrating or seemingly frequently perfect character. My problem with him is that more often then not his role makes me pity him. Tim is an excellent Detective and in many cases seems to surpass his mentor in that specific role. His skills are admirable and really captivate the reader. The problem is Tim Drake is probably the weakest fighter within the Bat Family. More often then not he seems to give off the feeling that he should not be a caped crusader within the Gotham Universe. The character Question seems to be a better fit for the environment. Especially, if you factor in the dynamics with Huntress. Even after his detective skills and survival knacks from Batman Tim Drake is often the brunt of some of the worst individual events that have happened to a Robin. He has been killed by the Joker, brainwashed by the Joker and forcibly becoming the Joker from years of psychological trauma. Those three things only cover the things the Joker did to him. They are also an example of a type of act that reflects how broken a character can become, especially when touched by the Joker, in the Gotham Universe. Tim Drake’s story always makes me want to pity him. He seems to be the middle child who is least fit for their families entire job. The current Robin is Damian Wayne. A part of me feels extremely guilty for preferring Damian over Jason. The reason is I have always felt that Damian Wayne ended up as a better character because DC cared about him more. He is the blood son of Batman. Damian has to be a successful fleshed out character and you can see that care within the DC comics. He also has been provided a great foil with Dick Grayson. Who makes his arrogant and unlikeable demeanor a true enjoyable experience. To me, Damian Wayne always felt like a reboot in a sense of what Jason Todd was supposed to be: the fighting oriented Robin who consistently teeters back and forth between the morality of kill or not to kill. He also finally gave fans a child of Batman that is considered part of the main Earth of the multiverse. As Bruce’s daughter with Selina Kyle,  Helena Wayne (Huntress), is not a reoccurring explanation of her main back story. Further, backbone heroes all seemed to have strong stories with blood related children. Batman is one of the Dc heroes who has probably slept with an absurd amount of women. It was time for him to have his own child. It’s great to then see that child compete with Superman’s. Damian Wayne is currently my favorite Robin. However, I refuse to discredit Jason Todd’s potential like the rest of the DC writers.

Many years ago, one of my first fan fiction ever, I wrote down a badly written dialogue between Jason Todd and a potential female foil. As a kid, I had always wanted and waited for DC to deliver what I thought Jason Todd could be. Because of this, I left that dialogue alone in a drawer for years. The Outlaw comics turned out to be the comics that gave me false hope. They started out seemingly strong. Starfire and Roy Harper are extremely well done characters. Especially, when you see Roy’s struggles while balancing a relationship with a sexually charged powerhouse like Starfire. DC had a great chance to develop Jason Todd. Yet, by the end of the comics I read he was the only one of the trio that seemed to still fall flat. Around that time I was dealing with unresolved feelings towards unwanted sexual advances when I was a child. In a weird way, I ended up confronting the memories by the random (and badly written) fan fiction dialogues. The old note I had of a female character for Jason Todd seemed to turn into something completely else. Originally, I had desperately wanted Jason Todd to have a simple romance like the other members of the Gotham Universe. However, I will be the first one to admit I wrote a very unstable and personal character by accident. I think Jason Todd’s darker tendencies gave me an outlet to bring out darker controversial issues of growing up. Valkyrie was definitely that character. As I pulled in many of the struggles of those I’ve known into one character. I still think a complicated character and somewhat mentally unstable is a good addition to Jason Todd’s story, but it doesn’t have to be mine. The fan fiction really was about trying to think of a way to expand the character himself. I naturally wanted to fit it into the comic timeline I felt had the most potential with Jason Todd, the Outlaw comics. As it shows Jason trying to come to terms with everything and show a desire to not be a lone jaded renegade. Characters like Talon and Raven seemed like they could be a good fit, even if I don’t write them very well. Later on, I added Miss Martian in because the Young Justice version mixed with the comic book version seemed like an interesting toss up. As the Outlaws couldn’t be a team that was meant to mirror the Titans. All of the existing characters have had psychopathic and jaded moments (Starfire arguable existing as a female hero able to coexist with another who posses those traits in her undeniable sparkly way). But all of this was just was the the random moment of consideration towards a Robin I once loved.

It is at this time I put away my brief explanation of the base of my Fan Fiction to clarify something: I Love DC. Not only will I fight someone over how DC comics is better then Marvel (ignoring their cinematic blights), but some of my fondest childhood memories are of DC comics. When the Outlaw comics came out, I really wanted to have a chance to write for DC. I didn’t care that I had no comic book writing experience. What I wanted was a chance to help be a part of helping to make Jason Todd as badass as I thought he could be as a kid. What lead me to writing down the bad Fan Fiction you will read is at the time only seeing DC seemingly interested in acquiring new artists really hurt my young feelings. I started to wonder about what I thought of interesting or desired outcomes within the DC Universe outside of Jason Todd. It was at this time I was reintroduced to some of my childhood stories. Their were a collection of Norse myths that seemed to keep popping up. I switched over to the Thor comics for awhile to see how Marvel was using Norse mythology. As DC really focused on many other mythologies and seemed to lack a Norse hero. The result really frustrated me and reminded me of what I dislike about the Marvel Universe : it is so science heavy. Every Thor comic I read connected Thor’s world to some science based origin that colors the Marvel Universe. It actually was the thing that lead me to want to post my bad Fan Fiction until I had the time to fix it. My favorite and at times least favorite part of the DC Universe is that you have a disconnected Multiverse that has science based areas and realms that do cater to mythology and magic extremely well. Why hadn’t DC taken advantage of that and include Norse mythology? It felt like a weird DC fear of Marvel’s recent success. It’s like they don’t want to touch the area, because it is claimed by Marvel. Yet, the entire history of comic books is the repetition of seemingly characterized roles. I had this awfully weird childlike desire to fix Jason Todd and include Norse mythology as the way to do it.

One of the reasons I prefer DC is the Green Lantern comics. As much as Hal Jordan makes me want to pull a character out of the comics to punch in the face the other Lanterns are amazing characters (even Alan Scott). The entire Green Lanterns Universe is so well done and exhibits a good ability to give DC some feelings of continuity. Which is not an easy thing to do. My favorite Lantern happens to be Kyle Rayner. Again he is one character that is not up there as one of the more popular lanterns. However, Kyle Rayner’s start with Ganthet and lead in to becoming a White Lantern is a very successful achievement for DC. It’s also always interesting to see the constructs that come from a more artistic mind. This got me thinking of the Bi-Frost. In Marvel, the Bi-Frost simply exists as the rainbow bridge guarded by Heimdall. However, the Green Lantern comics exhibit the colors of a rainbow and assign them an emotion. Further, there exists a constant struggle of trying to maintain the right balance of power within the DC Universe and the Guardians of Oa’s desires. With the conclusion of Darkest Night it really seemed like their exists a chance to expand the Lantern Universe even more. Why not use the fact that DC has a stronger foundation is mythology and magic then Marvel and create something new. There can be a different part of the emotional spectrum.

Jason Todd is a free floater in the DC Universe. He can be used to ground an expansion and achieve the character development he desperately needs. My characters are definitely not well written. I will be the first to admit they are heavily biased, but I posted them in hopes to show potential expansions within the DC Universe. The Outlaw comics and Jason Todd provide a really good canvas to balance contrasting themes: darkness vs light, humor vs sarcasm , tongue and cheek mentalities. DC ignores the fact Jason Todd is the perfect character to create oddly perfect parallels. Valkyrie is probably one of my favorite characters I’ve ever written (even when compared to my original work) even if she is a flawed one. I really believe a flawed character is something Jason Todd is missing. A character that struggles with mental instabilities can be a good dynamic with him. I would love the chance for a better writer to develop Valkyrie into a good character, but I would also love the chance to just see my ideas implemented with new characters.

If I ever get the chance to present to DC I would want them to take away this: (1) Give Jason Todd more attention, (2) consider implementing Norse mythology in this creative way I suggested, (3) listen to your comic book readers more that have an interest in writing and (4) redo the DC cinematic experience, but this time well. As a huge comic book nerd, I know I’m not the only one whose has a head full of ideas for DC. Yea, I’m biased and think my jaded personality is like a goldmine for DC Comics, but others are also certainly around that can impress you. I may not be it, but there is definitely someone that can be.

All you need to do is listen DC. You have the overlooked characters. You have Jason Todd. You even have a huge fan base that wants to contribute. Let them. Let us. The end result is probably going to be better then you expected.

” It’s about the next level. Smarter, faster, hotter, more in tune with the changing times and changing crimes. But mostly… I guess this is about my revenge of one crazy man in a mask… on another crazy man in a mask. Heh.  “

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Jason Todd as Robin – Under the Red Hood

Anime x Life

It has recently been pointed out to me that I have not been posting regular posts lately. Which is a very fair assessment. I had this awful idea of creating a book on how fan fiction helps develop a person’s writing. I had written a whole book rough draft under the tittle Bad Fan Fiction. The result of this idea was actually the massive influx of unedited works you have had the horror of scrolling through. I was caught up on the idea of not relying a large binder under my bed and having a more permanent storage space for it. Sadly, I soon realized my technical issues came from organization system of many pages. So I had to use “posts” as my way to store them. Which in a weird way I liked more, because it gave it a sort of web novel feel. As a kid, I used to read the Chinese and Japanese ones all the time. Albeit I could not understand them whats so ever. *Yes, I know I was a weird kid and am currently still a little weird. BUT who isn’t it?* I decided to try and take that advice to heart though. What I wanted originally was a place to write down my up and down thoughts, share my writing and have a place to relax at the end of the day. This blog can be that again.
So here is what this post is about: Anime Relations-
Yea. It’s another nerdy topic. But here me out, I have a strong point. Life is like an anime. For me, I am stuck as the main character of a shoujo; while, all I really want is to be a semi well known character in a shonen. Maybe not even that! Maybe I would be fine in a small one season slice of life or a quick one shot. Too bad, I am trapped in this 600+ episode series. To the further explain this, I’ll start with a small example. In the web novel I have created with a friend (Halfuu x Escape) Hana not only holds almost the ENTIRE BURDEN of fan service, but has a moment were she questions herself about a shipping relationship. I added the moment in because: (a) someone had emailed me about a yuri ship were Hana was the bottom (this will never be a yuri) and that needed to be corrected, (b) and it made me think about when I was a kid. I’m talking early millennials when Asia, Anime and “Asians” weren’t cool or a fad. I remembered sitting in front of a TV watching untranslated anime shows and shouting out BAKA // YABAI // DEMO // KAWAII // SUGOI – etc. I had been shaped in the image of what was underground American Otaku-ness. It was something that got me into a lot of shit. Now, I walk the streets and people blog about yellow fever, english translated light novels, anime themed apparel and hipsters writing stage plays as they listen to Jpop (not even Jrock) and snack on takoyaki. This shit used to get me kicked to the bottom of the totem pole. How in the hell did they get a free ride? Was Watashi ga motete dousunda that big of an influence! Was it Pikachu! Luffy! Sebastian! Ichigo! Naruto!….. Maybe it was Goku’s introduction to the West. Either way, my 5 x 7 childhood was rough. It made it very hard to be happy for the spread of Japanese Cultural Expansion at times. Still, there is some unbitter parts of me that raises a glass of whiskey up at Japan. They done good. Not me though. I haven’t done too good. Reading my friends blog post about my Lupus Diagnosis really cemented the thoughts I had not spent time paying attention too: I was unhappy. When you are a young starry eyed high school you have this faith that everything will eventual reveal itself as a logical path to an end goal. Turns out that’s not the case! Ever. That’s not the easiest thing to choke down at 20 years old. I staked my entire future happiness on the idea that there was this straight path I needed to follow. Now, all individual issues aside, I don’t even think that if there was a straight path it would lead me to the end I want. Because thanks to unrealistic expectations from successful hard working baby boomers and increasingly all consuming fictional works, I no longer understand what I should want. They key word being should. Was there every a should moment in happiness? Not, if any of the hallmark cards got things right. So now here I was, finally a character in my own shonen ready to start an adventure. Too bad, I took three years to realize I was in a shonen and that I was one of the heroes. I feel like maybe I’m starting to lose my point… But I’ll try to ramble through this. At twenty years old, I have realized that I am exactly the rebel without a cause. I wake up, follow the same route, find the same unhappy result and do it over again like an insane person. I haven’t let myself understand that there are multiple paths to happiness. So yea, my health sucks, my family needs to be commited, my cat may kill me in my sleep and I may have to change a semester off of school to a year, but as the old Yid’s always said: ” Alts iz gut nor in der tseit.” All is good in time. TIIIIMMMMEEE. You old/young bastard. You gave us eighty years on average and twenty of them are just here to teach us how to count and read. And they say Jews are cheap and stingy. Have they ever met time? He’s the cheapest and stingiest of them all… But, even the cheap and stingy make points. Even animated cartoons full of fan service about couple shippings has a point. I need to start doing what I’ve always wanted to do. Not what I thought I always had to do. I think it’s time I put on my big girl panties (don’t worry, these ones still have green lanterns on them) and take a step towards an idea of who I could be. Now, I’m not saying I am going to hike the PCT -YET-, but I think no matter what happens with my late applications for internships I’m going to travel. I have 4 months to kill. Surely, a cheap and stingy Jew like me should be able to find a way to survive that long? I mean, biking through the Kyoto streets to have tea and write in a small cafe has to be good for my Lupus? We can call it my new prescription. It even includes my very own chibi reminder on the pad.
Did you stat with me?
Your somewhat overwhelmed,
I.L. Knight
P.s. If you do read Halfuu x Escape the official pairing names for the Couples depending on your top preferences are as followed:
(a) Haruko – Haru x Minako
(b) Minaru – Minako x Haru
(c) Haji – Hana x Keiji                               
(d) Keina – Keiji x Hana
(e) Keiru – Keiji x Haru  
(f) Hake – Haru x Keiji                              
(g) Minna – Minako x Hana                       
(h) Hanako – Hana x Minako                   
(i) Yuru – Yuri x Haru
(j) Tetsuko – Tetsuo x Minako
These are the current agreed upon ship names for all. Although none of the characters will have a Yuri  relationship, feel free to create your own non-cannon 

work with the couples names provided — If you come  up with something better, let us know!–
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Questionnaire(s)

This is what happens when your friends tell you to look at the questionnaire they filled out:

(a) Proust:

_1._What is your idea of perfect happiness? Living in a “modernized” traditional house (a.k.a converted Japanese Shrine) right outside a city. Where I can edit manuscripts, see my grandkids, feed the random stray forty cats who visit my courtyard and maybe still have a husband.
_2._What is your greatest fear? Uncertainty (mostly in the form of happiness) and clowns // or uncertain clowns! … And Butterflies
_3._What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Pride 
_4._What is the trait you most deplore in others? Giving Loyalty easily + and not following through with it. // Pitying others
_5._Which living person do you most admire? The Spirits of: Robin Williams // Nelson Mandela // Alan Rickman // Heath Ledger 
_6._What is your greatest extravagance? Pajamas // Shoes
_7._What is your current state of mind? Attempting to find Silver Linings (and rationalizing why that movie is decent)
_8._What do you consider the most overrated virtue? “Niceness” // “Faith”
_9._On what occasion do you lie? I have a problem of lies of omission…
_10._What do you most dislike about your appearance? My unbalanced frame
_11._Which living person do you most despise? I don’t despise anyone…too much effort. I’d rather wait for them to burn and enjoy the view with popcorn.
_12._What is the quality you most like in a man? Intelligence // “Coldness”
_13._What is the quality you most like in a woman? When they aren’t exhibiting: Cattiness // Manipulation — “When they aren’t Women”
_14._Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Literally // Honestly
_15._What or who is the greatest love of your life? Me Cat? 
_16._When and where were you happiest? On top of a Mountain, above the clouds, barely any people, at a monastery in Taiwan.
_17._Which talent would you most like to have? Writing // Resolve
_18._If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would make myself better at follow through.
_19._What do you consider your greatest achievement? Still being alive.
_20._If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? An old fat cat on some wealthy South Carolina family’s porch.
_21._Where would you most like to live? South Korea // Japan – with a family house in the SOUTH 😉
_22._What is your most treasured possession? The old sweaters my grandfather gave me
_23._What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being alone…like for a long period of time…like 40 years of hermithood
_24._What is your favorite occupation? Writer // Startup Ceo 
_25._What is your most marked characteristic? My expressions -> “Kawaii-ness”
_26._What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty
_27._Who are your favorite writers? John Milton // Dante // Rick Riordan // Alfred Lord Tennyson // Langston Hughes
_28._Who is your hero of fiction? I have waifus…Do waifus count?
_29._Which historical figure do you most identify with? Joan of Arc
_30._Who are your heroes in real life? I like Villians // Anti – Hereos // And Selected Chaotic Neutrals
_31._What are your favorite names? Darien (f) // Damien // Crow // Blake (f) // Leon // Adele // Joan // Grey // Laurent // Landon
_32._What is it that you most dislike? …really just one?…
_33._What is your greatest regret? Allowing myself to become a victim of pity. A person should never use pity as a self identifier
_34._How would you like to die? I don’t really care as long as it is not too prolonged or painful. OR causes a mess….But my funeral needs to be epic.
_35._What is your motto? “It’s better to Reign in Hell then Serve in Heaven…But I’m Jewish so who the hell cares. I’ll end up in Purgatory no matter what I do!”
  — If you know you are going to fall down enjoy the ride there 😉
(b) Pivot:
  1. What is your favorite word?  Cheshire
  2. What is your least favorite word? Moist
  3. What turns you on? I don’t know yet. Check back when I achieve emotional growth in my next leveling.
  4. What turns you off? “All- American” – ness
  5. What is your favorite curse word? There are so many…. I’m a bonafide Sailor… Let’s go with Scheiße! “Shit”
  6. What sound or noise do you love? Cat purrs 
  7. What sound or noise do you hate? Kids screaming // pots and pans echoes // Slurping Sounds
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Grim Reaper // Shinigami
  9. What profession would you not like to do? Any cubicle job
  10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? This is not a joke. You did manage to get here. That being said you can go left for fun hell or right for Valhalla… or back for administration work.
  11. FunFact :: These questions were originally asked on “Bouillon de Culture” by Bernard Pivot.

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Robin Williams Speech Seize The Day – Dead Poet’s Society

It’s Been Awhile

Dear Everyone Whom It May Concern,

I know many people don’t actually read my blog, or if you do it is probably not in any sense a committed practice. Still, I need to take the chance to apologize. I left you with a promise of all these things I was going to do. When I didn’t accomplish most of them. When I went home for the summer I found out my health issues were a lot worse then anyone thought. The more people started throwing around words like Cancer, Autoimmune Disease, Chronic Illnesses, I retreated into my little corner. Everything became about proving these words wrong and finding the new exact one that would explain everything that happened. Now, it seems like they’ve found an answer…I don’t know what it will be yet, or even how bad the word will be. What I do know is that I don’t think it will give me the peace of mind I had been struggling for. If I am being honest with myself, the only one who can give that to me is myself. Now, I know I haven’t accomplished much. That I am very much still the Kvetching Jewish girl. But now I am someone who truly for the first time wants to try and not be that. I want to take the step forward into fighting my fears. The first step for me is to face my issues with exposing the majority of my original writing. I have already taken the steps to getting it out there through other means (cross my fingers I can announce good results soon), but I also want to challenge myself here with that. From now on, I am dedicated to posting more messages, more positive then not, and working on expanding an idea I’ve always wanted to grow: I.L. Knight.

Thank You for reading this,
I.L. Knight

P.S. If you do stop by and read this…Feel free to comment on anything. I love constructive criticism and opinions. Please and Thank You ❤

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Fight Song- Rachel Platten

The Break…

In case you actually do follow this blog you would have noticed that I haven’t updated much of anything in awhile. This is due to a few things. The major two reasons are that my Insomnia hit an all time high and that it caused me to go home to Florida to get some sleep. I needed to rest and try to find the inspiration I once had. I guess it worked, because now I have several projects in the work and  I feel re-motivated again. All it takes is a trip back to what you wanted to leave behind to remind you of everything you swore to become. I never swore to make a blog and use it as a depressing online diary. Time to show something new~

Love,
I.L. Knight

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Shiftwork- Kenny Chesney

A Moment…

When you come home from a long, unproductive but fun day only to realize in that moment the whole reason why you are falling apart. The reason that has always nudged at you, slowly methodically since you were a child. You realize that you are lonely. Not just in the I think I need a bf way, real friends way or even a close family. The kind of lonely that makes you feel like you are an island, drifting alone at sea. John Donne, wrote, “That no man is an island, entire of itself.” It means man is a social creature and is tethered to a rational, happy reality through pure social bonds. When you don’t have those social bonds you become an island alone at sea. That is what draws in the madness, the fear and the tears. Maybe, at the end of the day, the shallow neighbor, the misunderstanding mother and oddly insistent grandmother are right. Maybe the only way to be happy when you reach a certain point of discontent, is to find a person who forces you to love yourself again. Maybe love is actually a strong force. The last resort tether before madness? If my grandma is right, then all I need to do to fix my problems is hit the gym, dress up more, find a boyfriends and go out. The problem is I’ve spent my whole life liking basically one person. Not that I want that one person back. I am finally well over that boat, rationally at least. I just don’t think I’m as over it as I want to be emotionally. I don’t miss him, not in the slightest. I miss what we were sometimes. To me, he was the one person who I knew would never leave me. He was the only assurance I had in a life that meant a lot of fluctuating. He wasn’t ever supposed to leave and he did. He was the one who took those carefree steps away from me. That is an act, I don’t think I can get over. It’s like opening up a wound I didn’t know I had. Now there’s all this bleeding and even if the doctor is telling me he can stitch, I don’t know if I can get the right stitches. I mean, if finding a new love is the answer, I don’t know what to do. I am twenty years old and I’ve never been a date. Never really had to purposely flirt with anyone, try to hookup with anyone; hell, I don’t think I even know how to like someone new or even try to find them. Tinder scares me. I’m the top of person who fails at making a virtual life great. How can I make the real one amazing, if I clearly don’t know the right choices? All I want to do is curl up a couch, switch between pints of Chinese food and Oreos with peanut butter, watch movies and cry. The problem is I don’t have a couch, there’s no one to come be with me when I cry and at the end of the day I think that would just make me feel worse. Even if I know deep down that I need a really good cry. I don’t get what’s wrong with me. Why I can’t every flip the switch and be happy. I’m always stuck in the g-damn dim light setting. I just want out. I want to be this adventurous, fun person I dreamed of being. Someone who made people life, think and try things they wouldn’t necessarily do. Instead, I’m stuck as their go to listener. That’s about it. I mean I’ve moved passed the bro zone in most cases to the you remind me of my mother. I’m twenty, shouldn’t I know be at the Bubbe phase yet?

Lost and Confused,
I.L. Knight
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