It’s Sort Of Funny :

My entire life when it came to my appearance I always wanted one thing: to be thin and pale, the sort of heroine chic one would want to protect. Its funny how life turns out sometimes. It did hand me the sick look, just not the fashion … or weight that came with it. I went from hyper and healthy to sick and overweight. When that irony popped up in my head the other day I couldn’t help but laugh. I got everything I ever wanted…. wanted to be a writer? Could still half ass that? Wanted to own my own business and be successful young? I own something on paper? Wanted to be happy? I finally got half way there? Etc…

Yep. Life, G-d, karma gave me everything I wanted. It’s not a cliche unneeded thing it’s just… a joke. It feels like the things I struggled for are a cosmic joke.

I.L. knight

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Courage – Superchick

So I Can Put This Calmly Behind Me:

Normally, I would be caught up with anxiety and hyper thinking and inability to get back on track. However, I think this time I can not fall into that trap. Instead of being emotional and sad, I want to focus on the good news today. I got offered not one, but two summer scholarships in Japan (a country that has been my #1 one desired country to visit), and I got a nice purple hair dye. I’m going to focus on that.

I’m also, instead of a long rant, be simple and direct about my complaints:

(1) I asked my mom not to call me this week about our issues, because I have a very heavy workload from school and would be already stressed and anxious. She ignored this request to ask me a heavy loaded question.

(2) It is generally inappropriate, and even worse so at the the moment, to ask your daughter if she loves you because you are her mother and if you see her as a mother from over the phone. We already have issues and need these sort of conversations mediated.

(3) Insist at the pain of your answer, when you told her truthfully out of respect. I love my mother as an individual, because of choices she has made for me. I’m no longer a child who looks at the world as simple as, “A mother is someone you love, because she is your mother.” Whether I see my mother as my mother or not that is also complicated.  My mother by definition and logic I recognize as a mom. However, emotional context is different. It’s not a good or bad thing, or grandparents influences, there is just roles that have not been fulfilled. Don’t ask for a simplification of a complicated matter, so lightly and off the cuff.

There is the summary of the phone conversation. Now I am going to let go of it tonight and focus on my work. A couple minutes of deep breathing and calming down will do the trick, because I will not get in my way tonight.

I am capable of staying calming and achieving what I want to achieve,

I.L. Knight

original

Daughters – John Mayer

On Friendship:

I had a friend in town a few days ago and he asked me a question out of a nowhere. He asked me, as he was pulling our Publix sandwiches out of the bag, if there was a friend we wouldn’t want to be. I mean who does that? Isn’t the standard who would you want to be? And then he had the nerve to not like my answer. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. I mean jeez it’s my life.

The friend is was expecting me to never choose was a friend he knew I was close with. A capable, hard working, organized always been an adult type of friend. Yes, I definitely admire her. Hell, I would beg a G-d for a scrap of the resolution and productivity she can muster on a daily basis. I mean she has capitalized and re-institutionalized the meaning of being a capable independent woman…. but admiration of skills aside that doesn’t mean I want to suddenly have her life.

I mean first of all ever person has their own challenges. A part of me believes you get the challenges you are able to overcome. Which means if I had her challenges I would be starting off in an even worse place then I am now.

Secondly, and probably the most honest reason, there is a fundamental difference between the two of us. She is the capable, resolved, hard working person who can compartmentalize on a whole nother level. I am the emotional, guilt ridden, cynical realist, that doesn’t move on from things and tends to wallow too much. There’s a silver lining about me though, I think. My problems, or these sort of problems, tend to come from being self aware (or overly self aware) of your body, thoughts, and emotional states. You basically skipped almost all of Maslow’s triangle and achieved the top block. When you live as that sort of person, since from as far back as you can remember, living any other way sounds a bit…harsh? I can’t imagine navigating the world not perfectly aware of what I’m feeling in every moment. Even if sometimes I wish I was a numb dead fish on a like a sea bank somewhere.

I have definitely been uncomfortable and critical of who I am. SO MANY TIMES. I still haven’t gotten over the wallflower description. “Oh, you know. You are like that wallflower who successfully blends when she forgets she is trying to blend, BUT HEY once you’re noticed man you just can’t look away from you.” …. “Uh, thanks, I guess.”.. “No problem, man. Just thought you should know. You really stand out when you are trying to blend in.”… Yea, I am not over that conversation. Or constantly being called the quirky one.

Still, I think it is okay to be your own person with your own problems. Even if you want to still admire another person. People shouldn’t ask you who do you not want to be, or who would you want to be. I think a better question is who are you going to be. It’s not about anything else, but the ideals you personally want to achieve.

Right?

I.L. Knight

 

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Let Me Be Myself – 3 Doors Down

Ruining My Happy Place:

Whelp, I moved houses. And this new house has been super great, it fits every box for a warm happy home that is conducive to living a new chronic life. An added bonus: it is next to the Japanese gardens in my town. It is a great place I love to just sit in silence and like find some time to myself and be around nature. It is a happy place for me in a town that has historically not been so happy for me.

AND THEY RUINED IT. THEY FUCKING RUINED IT. THEY RUINED IT FOR ME SO BADLY I CAN’T GO BACK FOR AT LEAST A YEAR, SO I CAN GET OVER HOW THEY FUCKING RUINED IT.

First, my grandmother went around the gardens complaining how the price of entrance and how it was a money trap. Which she emphasized when she saw the mini shrine statues where people were leaving change as offering for luck. When I tried to explain they are mimicking what is done in Shinto shrines SHE LAUGHED AT EVERYONE. I may make fun of a lot of people, but even I try to respect spirituality… It got even worse when she kept taking water from various water stations in the park only to constantly spit it out and insult it… THEN END THE TOUR BY SAYING LOCAL PARKS ARE FREE AND PRETTIER….

My Aunt decided to remark in her loud New York voice and persona at every single person who passed us and politely asked us to lower our voices. It is a majority silent garden where people come for peace. THERE WAS NOTHING RUDE OR OFFENSIVE FOR WHAT THEY WERE ASKING. I mean everyone in our family was quickly walking through the gardens anyways without looking. What was there for you to stop and talk about.

And there is my mom. My lovely, sweet All-American, blonde cherub of a mother. I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU IN A PLACE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AGAIN. Forget trying to share common interests, forget having a simple basic conversation with your daughter. Forget all of that! No matter how much you are frustrated with me, UNJUSTLY FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT OF TORMENT I MIGHT ADD, you don’t say stupid fucking cunty shit.

First, you call me dirty, disgusting and belonging in the woods in the morning, because I changed from washing my hair from everyday to every other day or every two days. A thing that I was doing, because I NEED TO FREAKING HEAL MY HAIR THAT IS DAMAGED. Oh no, you don’t stop the day there. You enter my peaceful refuge and in the middle of a crowd of plant appreciating people yell that I am fat. That my trainer, who by the way if you listened your daughter at all in any conversation is there for helping me regain atrophied muscle and mobility, is failing because I look like shit. OH AND LET US REMIND OURSELVES HOW I AM A BITCH, UNWORTHY, MONSTER, COLD, LAZY, STUPID, ETC…. person in front of this now gawking crowd of people. Then follow me off into a side path to scream at me for not meeting your ideals as the perfect fucking daughter.

And even after all of this. I still feel like crap, because you know what. I entered a state I haven’t been in years! I blacked out for a moment. I didn’t see anything or know what I did. I only know that I felt myself falter and try to regain my balance. But I could tell what I did, I gave you a light kick to the back of the leg to shut you up.

Something I can’t even take satisfaction in because, (1) it is wrong to lift your hand to anyone in that manner, (2) it occurred in a state I was not in control of and (3) YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING SHUT UP. No, the only thing that happened is me self reflecting in the car ride home. Remembering the one and only ever time before this something like this has happened…

I was around thirteen. Our problems had been escalating the last year or two with your insanity getting worse and my general emergence into puberty… Bullying in school was getting worse and I myself was sinking deep into something I wouldn’t yet have a name for. I was in the kitchen making breakfast as I did every day for you, even if I knew you were going to not eat it and throw it out anyways. What the fight about I can’t remember. But I will always remember that feeling of blacking out and coming back into yourself only to see a surprising a result. A result that you instantly wish was satisfying, but has the complete opposite effect. At the park, it was kicking you. Back then, it was the sight of egg dripping down your face. I had cracked them on your head… A surprisingly creative thing though.

My favorite place was ruined for me though the moment I made that connection. It would be a place where I was brought back too one of my worst memories. A time when I was so out of control, because of my feelings, I literal lost myself. It made me realize it’s not just pain, hurt, guilt, sadness I have for my family. There is a large boiling cauldron of resentment that doesn’t want to just stay in the pot anymore.

I kind of wonder now… with another place leaving my list of safety zones where I can go to escape everything. Where can I go to calm my mind or get rid of a migraine…

I sort of wish Ukiyo was as true as the stories. I could bend down right by the edge of a pool of water and reach out towards a reflection…Where I went or what the place was didn’t really matter. It was just disconnected, separate, more realistic than a fantasy, but still yet a fantasy.

It would be a completely different world… wouldn’t it?

I.L. Knight

 

 

hotaru-no-hikari

Japanese Instrumental

 

 

*The picture has a cat in it o(≧∇≦o). This almost a perfect recreation of what I wish for my retirement.*

The Classic Bagel Joint :

Every Jewish girl, boy, appreciator has normally one constant in their lives: a good bagel place that knows them since they were children. So naturally, I do as well. A place that stockpiles the good tofu cream cheese and nova. Although, if we are being honest they need to improve their sturgeon game (seriously, it is so dry).

Today, though, in a place where everyone knows everyone, I was embarrassed. With my family it is always the same conversation. My grandfather tells me all the natural remedies and the power of Tumeric and says that will solve everything. It goes on for twenty minutes, as I get lectured on my dependency on medication and how I shouldn’t do my Humera paperwork, because it has so many side effects. I eventually get frustrated with him, because let’s face my entire family ‘cares’ a lot about my illness and has down all the research. You inability to even name what I have, or generally know my health concerns is a great example.

Still, the embarrassment wasn’t coming from me having to tell my grandfather, “Enough. It’s an auto-immune disease, dad. I don’t get to just take Turmeric every night and I will be cured. Besides, I already do take Turmeric every night!”, it came from walking over to my grandmother afterwards. Her words,” Stop it. That’s all you ever talk about. You and your list of problems. I’m tired, or I hurt. We know. You sound like no vaccine people. Natural cures do work sometimes…” You know why you guys can’t name what I have or my symptoms, MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE SINCE I FIRST STARTED HAVING HEALTH PROBLEMS YOU NEVER LET ME FINISH THE LIST OF ISSUES THAT NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED BECAUSE THAT WAS CALLED COMPLAINING AND DEPRESSION TO YOU. The immediate answer every time can’t be a cut off, positive story, and now let me inspire motivation. Just acknowledge that waking up feeling like your body is on fire, SUCKS ASS. Acknowledge that I try so hard to keep with your beliefs and not be my mother and avoid relying on medication. I avoid pain killers, nerve-blockers, I even try to maintain sleep without sleeping pills, so I am succeeding on my own strength. Why you got to constantly embarrass me like that?

The woman at the cash register even felt like she needed to say something. Her sister has Lupus, so she said she sort of understood what I was going through. I thanked her, said her sister was brave and lucky to have her, got a free coffee, and a good luck from her. You see. Normal way to engage in conversation. Normal actions. No embarrassment.

I really hate that I write about this stuff so much lately. It’s like all the time my writing is about this and all I want to do is be writing about other things…But this is a part of my life now…a big part…a part I’m struggling with, because it affects everything around me and can change me so much. I can’t predict how I’ll be the next day. I can only hope my pre-planning works out. Fevers out of nowhere, forgetting things a lot one day, not being able to concentrate because your brain can literally not follow a sentence, and the constant check ins to monitor your medication or general health is my new life. It’s uncharted rough waters. You don’t know how to stop you from waking up one day and not being able to lift your knee up more than a few inches, or it being a day where you can’t leave your bed for awhile because you are stuck in a position you don’t remember laying in.

You are just in everyone else’s eyes weak and depressed. Even if you know you aren’t depressed, because of how you can see yourself struggling. I mean, I struggle to try and live through this chaotic ups and downs and even try to be strong, to be happy, to recognize I can’t carry the luggage from my past, and that I have to accept things because my body has no other option at this point. Still, I can’t argue it does make me mentally tired. Explaining these things over and over and not getting the results I want, because I myself can’t decide what I want to hear…I can’t even be a good friend sometimes, because I can’t handle another person.

It weighs heavily on my mind how when this all started I didn’t listen to my gut feelings about this all and got to the point I was at. How I can’t lose the weight I gained in any quick manner, because I can’t do the cardio that would burn those calories, and even if I did I need to dedicate time to body weight training sessions to maintain mobility and regain atrophied muscles… It eats away at me SO MUCH.

There’s a reason I am at a bagel place for my cheat day. I need to be able to eat a proper bagel more then every three to four months. I am a Jewish girl. OKAY. We live on this stuff. It is part of our culture. There is even a Yiddish saying about lacking bagels, “Lign in drerd un bakn beygl!” It directly means, May you lie in the ground and bake bagels… In other words, you should burn in hell and be depraved of bagels you are being forced to create. Bagels are serious man….

So can you at least not embarrass me at our bagel joint? Our last name even means bagel…..It should be sacred ground.

I.L. Knight

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Tradition – Fiddler On The Roof

Look Forward To It ?_? :

Hi hi, y’all…

The marvelous. The quirky. The too tired and unproductive for her own good is back. That’s right. I have removed myself from the dark bog that was school readjustment and midterm hell. Except lots and lots of updates this week guys. BECAUSE I am starting to feel back on track.

I got an interview for a summer internship in Seoul ~ tee hee ~ My grandparents said I look good, are proud of me, and got tipsy in front of me, my mom and I have been getting along good, I am going to Israep this summer, I am finally making progress again on owning my own company, I LOST WEIGHT AND SOMEHOW RETAINED DECENT HEALTH STATUS…

Life is looking up guys… I’m even prepared ahead of time with sunglasses to fight this Florida sun.

The glass is still only half filled, but maybe there’s something in the water,

I.L. Knight

Happy – Pharrell Williams

Becoming Squirrely :

Squirrely – “The act of becoming a dead looking individual, but having a mind that is equivalent to spastic squirrel videos due to lack of sleep/exhaustion/moments of unfortunate life pain- I.L. Knight”

So, yea. I fucking hate squirrels. However, after pulling two all nighters back to back, writing a response paper for the first time since I’ve been back to school. having to be productive with a mid term review AND a group presentation film project I have gone a little insane.

I kind of forgot how hard it is to reset yourself back to any sense of normalcy post these sort of things. Currently, I feel the pain of the bones as I agitated a flare up and am somehow watching Winx Club.

My first midterm is tomorrow and I am so unprepared.

I.L. Knight

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Wake Up Little Susie – Everly Brothers

Once More A Question Of Identity :

Do you know what I hate the most? When someone does something so hypocritical, but you can’t say shit because you yourself do the same thing. Defining yourself… it should be a pretty simple and easy thing. But it’s not. I don’t know why it isn’t. It just isn’t.

Here’s the thing. There’s a label for everything. And don’t get me wrong, I am not necessarily someone who has issues with that. Labels can be helpful. You can understand what you are and what community you could possible relate to through them. But come on, y’all. They also make a lot of things hella difficult. And that’s even if you understand what they all mean.

I certainly do not. At all.

So the issue of today’s confusion? Ethnicity and nationality. I mean someone sends me a clip of an American youtuber getting Kpop stars to guess American stars ethnicity and the result is like eeh. I mean since when is American and Canadian an Ethnicity? I’m pretty sure last time I checked those were countries made up of many different ethnicites where the native ethnic group is not the representative majority. Israel? Pretty sure it is a group of similar ethnic groups with one common cultural heritage point or religious ties. There is no indication of mixed heritage at all with the answer choices. It just seems really hypocritical. You should use the chance to have them guess the right information? I mean if there’s going to be confusion it should at least be confusion about the right labels, no?

I don’t really think I would call myself an American/Canadian if you asked me how I identify as an individual. I mean that’s just my nationality. I am a proud little Jewish girl who wants to maintain the right, whether its bad or good, to make clever white people jokes. I ain’t about to let mis-education take that away from me.

I don’t know. I think I am being over sensitive, because of other issues.

I.L. Knight

america and canada

Kpop Stars Guess Celebrity Ethnicity

America And Canada Clip – Hetalia