Anime x Life

It has recently been pointed out to me that I have not been posting regular posts lately. Which is a very fair assessment. I had this awful idea of creating a book on how fan fiction helps develop a person’s writing. I had written a whole book rough draft under the tittle Bad Fan Fiction. The result of this idea was actually the massive influx of unedited works you have had the horror of scrolling through. I was caught up on the idea of not relying a large binder under my bed and having a more permanent storage space for it. Sadly, I soon realized my technical issues came from organization system of many pages. So I had to use “posts” as my way to store them. Which in a weird way I liked more, because it gave it a sort of web novel feel. As a kid, I used to read the Chinese and Japanese ones all the time. Albeit I could not understand them whats so ever. *Yes, I know I was a weird kid and am currently still a little weird. BUT who isn’t it?* I decided to try and take that advice to heart though. What I wanted originally was a place to write down my up and down thoughts, share my writing and have a place to relax at the end of the day. This blog can be that again.
So here is what this post is about: Anime Relations-
Yea. It’s another nerdy topic. But here me out, I have a strong point. Life is like an anime. For me, I am stuck as the main character of a shoujo; while, all I really want is to be a semi well known character in a shonen. Maybe not even that! Maybe I would be fine in a small one season slice of life or a quick one shot. Too bad, I am trapped in this 600+ episode series. To the further explain this, I’ll start with a small example. In the web novel I have created with a friend (Halfuu x Escape) Hana not only holds almost the ENTIRE BURDEN of fan service, but has a moment were she questions herself about a shipping relationship. I added the moment in because: (a) someone had emailed me about a yuri ship were Hana was the bottom (this will never be a yuri) and that needed to be corrected, (b) and it made me think about when I was a kid. I’m talking early millennials when Asia, Anime and “Asians” weren’t cool or a fad. I remembered sitting in front of a TV watching untranslated anime shows and shouting out BAKA // YABAI // DEMO // KAWAII // SUGOI – etc. I had been shaped in the image of what was underground American Otaku-ness. It was something that got me into a lot of shit. Now, I walk the streets and people blog about yellow fever, english translated light novels, anime themed apparel and hipsters writing stage plays as they listen to Jpop (not even Jrock) and snack on takoyaki. This shit used to get me kicked to the bottom of the totem pole. How in the hell did they get a free ride? Was Watashi ga motete dousunda that big of an influence! Was it Pikachu! Luffy! Sebastian! Ichigo! Naruto!….. Maybe it was Goku’s introduction to the West. Either way, my 5 x 7 childhood was rough. It made it very hard to be happy for the spread of Japanese Cultural Expansion at times. Still, there is some unbitter parts of me that raises a glass of whiskey up at Japan. They done good. Not me though. I haven’t done too good. Reading my friends blog post about my Lupus Diagnosis really cemented the thoughts I had not spent time paying attention too: I was unhappy. When you are a young starry eyed high school you have this faith that everything will eventual reveal itself as a logical path to an end goal. Turns out that’s not the case! Ever. That’s not the easiest thing to choke down at 20 years old. I staked my entire future happiness on the idea that there was this straight path I needed to follow. Now, all individual issues aside, I don’t even think that if there was a straight path it would lead me to the end I want. Because thanks to unrealistic expectations from successful hard working baby boomers and increasingly all consuming fictional works, I no longer understand what I should want. They key word being should. Was there every a should moment in happiness? Not, if any of the hallmark cards got things right. So now here I was, finally a character in my own shonen ready to start an adventure. Too bad, I took three years to realize I was in a shonen and that I was one of the heroes. I feel like maybe I’m starting to lose my point… But I’ll try to ramble through this. At twenty years old, I have realized that I am exactly the rebel without a cause. I wake up, follow the same route, find the same unhappy result and do it over again like an insane person. I haven’t let myself understand that there are multiple paths to happiness. So yea, my health sucks, my family needs to be commited, my cat may kill me in my sleep and I may have to change a semester off of school to a year, but as the old Yid’s always said: ” Alts iz gut nor in der tseit.” All is good in time. TIIIIMMMMEEE. You old/young bastard. You gave us eighty years on average and twenty of them are just here to teach us how to count and read. And they say Jews are cheap and stingy. Have they ever met time? He’s the cheapest and stingiest of them all… But, even the cheap and stingy make points. Even animated cartoons full of fan service about couple shippings has a point. I need to start doing what I’ve always wanted to do. Not what I thought I always had to do. I think it’s time I put on my big girl panties (don’t worry, these ones still have green lanterns on them) and take a step towards an idea of who I could be. Now, I’m not saying I am going to hike the PCT -YET-, but I think no matter what happens with my late applications for internships I’m going to travel. I have 4 months to kill. Surely, a cheap and stingy Jew like me should be able to find a way to survive that long? I mean, biking through the Kyoto streets to have tea and write in a small cafe has to be good for my Lupus? We can call it my new prescription. It even includes my very own chibi reminder on the pad.
Did you stat with me?
Your somewhat overwhelmed,
I.L. Knight
P.s. If you do read Halfuu x Escape the official pairing names for the Couples depending on your top preferences are as followed:
(a) Haruko – Haru x Minako
(b) Minaru – Minako x Haru
(c) Haji – Hana x Keiji                               
(d) Keina – Keiji x Hana
(e) Keiru – Keiji x Haru  
(f) Hake – Haru x Keiji                              
(g) Minna – Minako x Hana                       
(h) Hanako – Hana x Minako                   
(i) Yuru – Yuri x Haru
(j) Tetsuko – Tetsuo x Minako
These are the current agreed upon ship names for all. Although none of the characters will have a Yuri  relationship, feel free to create your own non-cannon 

work with the couples names provided — If you come  up with something better, let us know!–
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Questionnaire(s)

This is what happens when your friends tell you to look at the questionnaire they filled out:

(a) Proust:

_1._What is your idea of perfect happiness? Living in a “modernized” traditional house (a.k.a converted Japanese Shrine) right outside a city. Where I can edit manuscripts, see my grandkids, feed the random stray forty cats who visit my courtyard and maybe still have a husband.
_2._What is your greatest fear? Uncertainty (mostly in the form of happiness) and clowns // or uncertain clowns! … And Butterflies
_3._What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Pride 
_4._What is the trait you most deplore in others? Giving Loyalty easily + and not following through with it. // Pitying others
_5._Which living person do you most admire? The Spirits of: Robin Williams // Nelson Mandela // Alan Rickman // Heath Ledger 
_6._What is your greatest extravagance? Pajamas // Shoes
_7._What is your current state of mind? Attempting to find Silver Linings (and rationalizing why that movie is decent)
_8._What do you consider the most overrated virtue? “Niceness” // “Faith”
_9._On what occasion do you lie? I have a problem of lies of omission…
_10._What do you most dislike about your appearance? My unbalanced frame
_11._Which living person do you most despise? I don’t despise anyone…too much effort. I’d rather wait for them to burn and enjoy the view with popcorn.
_12._What is the quality you most like in a man? Intelligence // “Coldness”
_13._What is the quality you most like in a woman? When they aren’t exhibiting: Cattiness // Manipulation — “When they aren’t Women”
_14._Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Literally // Honestly
_15._What or who is the greatest love of your life? Me Cat? 
_16._When and where were you happiest? On top of a Mountain, above the clouds, barely any people, at a monastery in Taiwan.
_17._Which talent would you most like to have? Writing // Resolve
_18._If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would make myself better at follow through.
_19._What do you consider your greatest achievement? Still being alive.
_20._If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? An old fat cat on some wealthy South Carolina family’s porch.
_21._Where would you most like to live? South Korea // Japan – with a family house in the SOUTH 😉
_22._What is your most treasured possession? The old sweaters my grandfather gave me
_23._What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being alone…like for a long period of time…like 40 years of hermithood
_24._What is your favorite occupation? Writer // Startup Ceo 
_25._What is your most marked characteristic? My expressions -> “Kawaii-ness”
_26._What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty
_27._Who are your favorite writers? John Milton // Dante // Rick Riordan // Alfred Lord Tennyson // Langston Hughes
_28._Who is your hero of fiction? I have waifus…Do waifus count?
_29._Which historical figure do you most identify with? Joan of Arc
_30._Who are your heroes in real life? I like Villians // Anti – Hereos // And Selected Chaotic Neutrals
_31._What are your favorite names? Darien (f) // Damien // Crow // Blake (f) // Leon // Adele // Joan // Grey // Laurent // Landon
_32._What is it that you most dislike? …really just one?…
_33._What is your greatest regret? Allowing myself to become a victim of pity. A person should never use pity as a self identifier
_34._How would you like to die? I don’t really care as long as it is not too prolonged or painful. OR causes a mess….But my funeral needs to be epic.
_35._What is your motto? “It’s better to Reign in Hell then Serve in Heaven…But I’m Jewish so who the hell cares. I’ll end up in Purgatory no matter what I do!”
  — If you know you are going to fall down enjoy the ride there 😉
(b) Pivot:
  1. What is your favorite word?  Cheshire
  2. What is your least favorite word? Moist
  3. What turns you on? I don’t know yet. Check back when I achieve emotional growth in my next leveling.
  4. What turns you off? “All- American” – ness
  5. What is your favorite curse word? There are so many…. I’m a bonafide Sailor… Let’s go with Scheiße! “Shit”
  6. What sound or noise do you love? Cat purrs 
  7. What sound or noise do you hate? Kids screaming // pots and pans echoes // Slurping Sounds
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Grim Reaper // Shinigami
  9. What profession would you not like to do? Any cubicle job
  10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? This is not a joke. You did manage to get here. That being said you can go left for fun hell or right for Valhalla… or back for administration work.
  11. FunFact :: These questions were originally asked on “Bouillon de Culture” by Bernard Pivot.

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Robin Williams Speech Seize The Day – Dead Poet’s Society

Post Updates + Story Floods

So as you can see, I have managed to write most of my set writing goals per day. However, I normally fell asleep before I got a pic or music attached it. I sort of figured that I’d just push through this EXTREMELY busy working season and some of my health stuff and upload as much as I can at once. There is still some stuff missing (mostly because I haven’t found the time to type up the ending arcs I wrote down “somewhere”), but it should be enough to tamper the tide for a little bit. A lot of the stuff I post is just unedited ideas that I either want to develop into better fan fiction or as starting points for my own original works. That being said when you start to go through these- or have already been one of the few people reading the first set- keep that in mind. The stories themselves will be edited as time goes on.

Thank you for understanding ❤

Your very overworked,
I.L. Knight

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Chanukah Song- Adam Sandler

Packing Boxes

Packing Boxes

“So that’s your sister?” asks Dee in a quiet voice.
“Yeah.”
“The one you risked your life for?”
“Yeah.”
The twins nod politely in that automatic way that people do when they don’t want to say something insulting.
“Your family any better?” I ask.
Dee and Dum look at each other, assessing.
“Nah,” says Dee.
“Not really,” says Dum at the same time.”
― Susan EeWorld After

I believe that family is one of the greatest mysteries in life. For some it is a hierarchical gathering for mutual benefit and survival. For others it is an oversized table filled with warmth, understanding and an obscene amount of food. Personally, I find it as somewhere in the grey area. I don’t think it is a surprise to anyone if I said I grew up and exist in what is an unhealthy family. It is one of things I hint at/largely complain about in my writing. Believe it or not, I do try my best to not directly write about it. The key word being try. It’s part of the mystery to me why the idea of “family” can be so lodged into us. I can rationalize it with a conservative and traditional upbringing, a tendency to over-empathize with loyalty bonds and a warped ecosystem created from a mutual destructive social order. But for the life of me, I cannot understand why the fact that I would do anything for them exists in me. Even now, as I sit in this tiny 24 Hour Dunkin Donuts- mooching off of free wifi, coffee and a large comfortable booth to relax in so I can get through this one night- I feel the heart pain of loving my family. I know I’ve been kicked out of my mom’s house for the millionth time, I know my issues with my grandparent’s force me from relying on them, I know I’m a horrible cat mother for leaving my two cats alone at night, but there is still that tiniest part of me that stays a nauseating rosy pink. Earlier today, I found myself sitting on the floor leaning against the wall of my house. One of my knees were facing up the ceiling and the other was laid out in front of me. My hands had fallen dead in the center of my lap and I was wailing. I was wailing at the top of my lungs. It was exactly like a movie or a manga. Something, I am not proud of. This may be surprising to you, but I don’t cry about my own personal problems very often. Not anymore. I had made the conscious decision at thirteen years old to not be the one who sits in their room’s corner and cries all the time. I was more of a fun of punching a bag too hard, or staring aimlessly into the corner. The result is that when I do cry it is messy like this. I exhibit the awful and overwhelming colors of angst, rejection, and void of emotions. It is unbearable to live through or to watch. The worst part of the moment is this whole process I continually go through in my head. It’s this endless morbid stream of consciousness. My thoughts first go to shooting myself in the head. Then I quickly realize that it is not an option, because it would leave behind too much of a mess. The thought of someone having to walk in on that and clean it seems to be disheartening. If the whole goal of killing yourself is to remove yourself of existence how can you leave a mess like that behind. It’s unclean and horribly rude. The thought then becomes the idea of death by pills. It doesn’t seem that painful, so I am certainly not torturing myself. The problem with that is I cannot swallow pills very well. I always get the tiny ones stuck at the base of my neck and have to eat them with food. It is pretty painful as it is. Having to take that many at that slow of rate seems like it would mess up the whole process. I would either fail or cause an even bigger mess. Jumping off a bridge, hanging, starvation…all the conventional methods seem to leave me with a huge amount of feelings about messes, cowardice and pointlessness. My next idea is using all of my money to fly to Japan and get lost in Aokigahara (this started before it became a popularized topic in America and a move was made about it). I mean it seemed like it wouldn’t be that much of a mess. It was literally a secluded forest where people gathered to die. It’s not like I needed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, and the place still had a lot of the spirituality signs I creepily couldn’t overcome. It wouldn’t be so bad to be a vengeful ghost or to be spirited away by the Tengu. At the very least, it would be its own kind of adventure. Then I quickly realize that with my complete fear of ghosts I would never even allow myself to get to the parking lot in front of the forest. Then I begin to wonder about becoming an alcoholic or should I start to cut myself. The problem with alcohol is in the States I’m not old enough to buy alcohol. It’s not like I know anyone who would buy it for me. Besides, my mother was a teacher. I couldn’t do something that could get her to loose her licenses. It wasn’t appealing enough to me. Then there was the idea to cut myself. Although, I am an ample prescriber to physical pain to block out emotional, I can never get over my aversion into cutting into flesh. Many a times I have in the past run my hand in hot water, pressed a sharp object into my skin or even worked out to the point of being unable to stand and having torn up skin on my hands or knees. Yet, I could never physically run a sharp object across my skin. The idea of it made me want to vomit. By the end of this entire transition from point A to point B I feel crappy. Maybe I wasn’t the coward my mom thought I was. Maybe I was something even worse. I couldn’t even have suicidal thoughts right. And it wasn’t even because I wanted to live. It was because I wanted to die, but I had no desire to kill myself. It was such an oxymoron. By this point the wailing stops and my head slumps forward and no emotion exists in me. I try to fill my head with logical steps I need to fix the situation, but I tell myself to be honest about you being only able to follow through with a quarter of the things you should do. Then I try to give myself back emotion by thinking about all the little moments of growth I did. Which fails, because they are often little. The innate desire in me to jump leaps and bounds always makes this method useless. Finally, the process ends with me standing up, sitting down on the floor, putting my head phones on, swaddling in an oversized blanket and zoning out to alternative music. I literally zone out for about an hour. When I finally resurface all I do is stand up and walk up stairs and try to get on with my daily work. The problem with tonight is I didn’t end it there. I grabbed the leftover boxes from when we were supposed to move and just started packing up my life. Half of my stiff fit in six boxes. I texted my mom and told her if she really wanted me to move out and not pay for university it was fine. I would sleep out of the house tonight and have everything out tomorrow. I lugged half of my childhood life down the stairs and into my mom’s beaten up herbie. By the time I got in the car the song Not Gonna Die came on. It gave me back my first step of emotion. The weird mixture of feeling free and being anxious. In the car I gained back even more emotion when the song Kings came on. I remembered everything that made me who I was: pride. I texted my grandparents and told them I was going to impose on them  by storing my stuff in their attic. Some touching country music on the ride over and the realization that I can apply for a student loan at fair Canadian rates vs. American rates I may be able to eventually walk the path of independency. All it would take is me stopping the half assed I will do it slowly plan I had committed too. So now, after all of that I sit at this Dunkin Donuts. Listening to a new OneOkRock song, reviewing a financial plan for living in Canada alone, and wondering if maybe one day I can be the type of person who overcomes everything and gets to give a pretty motivational speech at a convention. The only thought that persists in my mind is the curiosity on wether my biggest sin is my pride, or the amount I give myself to those I care for….

I.L. Knight

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Not Gonna Die- Skillet

Kings- Tribe Society

Fan Fiction Announcement

To My Occasional Stopping By-ers,

Awhile back I was offered the chance to write a book on writing. I decided to delve into the idea and see what I could come up with. I quickly realized into it I wanted to write a book on how Fan Fiction develops a writer. Mostly when it comes to something like character development and characters’ within a plot. I still haven’t quite figured out how to that without including some of my own Fan Fiction in the novel as an example. Unfortunately all of the unclear rules of copyright laws on Fan Fiction kind of intimidates me. Until, I figure out what is allowed and what isn’t- and if so what parameters within the book I should even follow- I am going to put that on hold (not that any on you would of known now that I think about it). I’ve decided just to add my Fan Fiction as pages on my site. So they will be on their own pages. I have noticed with the new update theme that their is a HUGE problem on not showing all the pages. I am going to work on fixing that. However, some Fan Fiction is being added now, in case it’s just me who can’t figure out how to scroll down. I look forward to hearing comments from anyone.

A somewhat confused, but hopeful,
I.L. Knight

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White and Nerdy- Weird Al Yankovic

It’s Been Awhile

Dear Everyone Whom It May Concern,

I know many people don’t actually read my blog, or if you do it is probably not in any sense a committed practice. Still, I need to take the chance to apologize. I left you with a promise of all these things I was going to do. When I didn’t accomplish most of them. When I went home for the summer I found out my health issues were a lot worse then anyone thought. The more people started throwing around words like Cancer, Autoimmune Disease, Chronic Illnesses, I retreated into my little corner. Everything became about proving these words wrong and finding the new exact one that would explain everything that happened. Now, it seems like they’ve found an answer…I don’t know what it will be yet, or even how bad the word will be. What I do know is that I don’t think it will give me the peace of mind I had been struggling for. If I am being honest with myself, the only one who can give that to me is myself. Now, I know I haven’t accomplished much. That I am very much still the Kvetching Jewish girl. But now I am someone who truly for the first time wants to try and not be that. I want to take the step forward into fighting my fears. The first step for me is to face my issues with exposing the majority of my original writing. I have already taken the steps to getting it out there through other means (cross my fingers I can announce good results soon), but I also want to challenge myself here with that. From now on, I am dedicated to posting more messages, more positive then not, and working on expanding an idea I’ve always wanted to grow: I.L. Knight.

Thank You for reading this,
I.L. Knight

P.S. If you do stop by and read this…Feel free to comment on anything. I love constructive criticism and opinions. Please and Thank You ❤

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Fight Song- Rachel Platten

Coming News

Dear Everyone,

I am sorry for my lack of posts. I have been really tied up with school and getting over some bad Insomnia. However, I have channeled my recent productivity into confirming the launch of a website! In early May I will be launching my very own site! I am thinking of having it function as a site to connect independent writers and bloggers with each other. Like a platform to exhibit their thoughts and opinions of “nerd culture”. If you are interested in knowing more details or getting involved don’t be hesitant to shoot me an email or a message. I really want to spend my time over summer break crafting an excellent website.

I will continue resuming more social media related posts on here after its creation. 🙂

Thank you,
I.L. Knight

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Impossible Is Nothing- Iggy Azalea

Over the Rainbow & What a Wonderful World- Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

Lose yourself- Eminem