Such a Disgrace …

If I’m such a disgrace to my family, I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive. I mean, it’s not like I personally have any strong desires anymore. I am already so beaten down and tired.

I.L. Knight

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Inside the Fire – Disturbed

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Sometimes I wonder …

Sometimes I wonder who I’d be and what I’d become if I was born to a different family – started out with a different hand.  Would I know myself better? Have less fears? Not be so afraid of failure? Even though I am miserable, scared of clowns and butterflies, AND so scared of doing anything outside of my corner of safety I can’t imagine being okay with anything else.

Is it masochism? Being okay with a known pain? Fear of change? I don’t know. Sometimes I think it’s because of an attachment to who my family is and who I am now. Other times I think it is because I feel like I got something more then anger out of all of this. But honestly, I don’t know the reason.

Why I feel like I’m constantly living one step away from pulling a trigger, but remain so adamant that this was the set of cards I was supposed to be given? What kind of faith is that?

A messed up one,

I.L. Knight

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Through it All – Colton Dixon

Monday Weekly Schedule :

This Week Goals :

  1. Fix my schedule so I actually know what I have to get done in time from my large pile this week.
  2. Finish my large pile this week.
  3. Pay my rent in Canada.
  4. Ignore my mother.
  5. Ignore everyone else.
  6. Actually get language study in.
  7. Finish my essay for my University.
  8. Remember and do my Canadian checklist.
  9. Post 4 blogs.
  10. Finish the Fan Fiction I didn’t get to post last week.
  11. Rejoin Society.

I can do this …  !(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

I.L. Knight

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Save the World – Swedish House Mafia

Dr. Brown’s Diet Soda

Do you know what might be the biggest untalked about sin that can land you in Dante’s 9th Circle of Hell ? When your own Mother… Ney, when anyone you know has the audacity to steal your Dr. Brown’s Diet Soda.

I drink soda at most 4x times a year. I have been sick for three days and wanted to just treat myself with my favorite soda as a positive encouragement to start moving again. AND YET MY FAVORITE SODA GETS STOLEN BY MY MOTHER.

Not only does she take the soda after being fully aware that it is mine and I was saving it for after my nap, BUT she has the pleasure of making a joke of the situation like I’m a whiny child to goad me into a fight IN FRONT OF THE MOTHER I WORK FOR.

This is what real SIN looks like people. This is why we don’t get nice things in the world.

A parched,

I.L. Knight

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Soda Pop – Robbie Williams ft. Michael Bublé

Inhumans : Review

I think it is important to understand first that Marvel’s Inhumans are extremely colorful and bold comic book characters. The story follows in close detail the dramatic lives of the Royal Family of Attilan. A city of aliens on the moon who descend from ancient humans.

Although, Marvel has a great track record with movie adaptions a story like Inhumans wouldn’t be an easy feet. As characters like the fish-man Triton and Queen-of-all-the-hair-in-the-Universe Medusa exist. It’s not an easy adaption to make when you want it to feel authentic and look believable on screen.

Yet, Marvel chose to end making Inhumans, which was slated to be a Movie at first, a Tv show. A significantly smaller budget makes the task significantly harder. Plus, I heard it was sort of a rushed job. So from the start, I think everyone needs to understand they were starting at the bottom when it came to hero movie standards.

In order to simplify this next part I’ll put a nice list up for everyone :

Pros :

  1. Anson Mount plays an INCREDBLE FANTASTIC AMAZING BLACK BOLT. ( Not an easy thing to do when the character has 0 lines and one of the most complicated back stories and character relationships )
  2. The parts filmed in IMAX were nice.
  3. All the characters so far seem well casted with talented actors.
  4. We got Lockjaw. A good one.
  5. The show generally has a rising pace and interest level.
  6. We get Ramsay Bolt- I mean Maximus.

Cons:

  1. We get wardrobe malfunctions : Primarily, Medusa’s wig. ( For a character that is all about CGI scarlet red hair and what you can do with it…You need to do with it.)
  2. Because the parts filmed in IMAX were good they made other parts not shot in IMAX come off awkward and low quality.
  3. Although, the characters are well casted so far the dialogue seems very bland and somewhat awkward in how it presents the time line.
  4. They were uneven with their CGI budget.
  5. The first two episodes were boring.
  6. We got Ramsay Bolt- I mean Maximus.

Does this paint a clear enough picture for you? How Marvel took an ambitious project, started from the bottom and threw money at it awkwardly?

I will say this though: STILL WATCH THE SHOW. It definitely has a rising level of interest as more episodes come out and if you are a fan of the comic you will have curiosity on where they are going with it. Further, Anson Mount seriously can carry an entire show with his prodigy level acting. I mean, the guy is phenomenal.

It is still worth it,

I.L. Knight

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Marvel’s Inhumans (ABC) Comic-Con Trailer

 

Yom Kippur

Everyone has a particular trick or two for knowing when their body is out of whack. Some little quirk or feeling you get that just let’s you know that everything is all good in Jamestown and Patriciaville. For me, that thing has always been Yom Kippur.

You see, if you are not familiar with Jewish Holidays this would be our big fasting day. From Sundown to Sundown the next day no food or water shall pass one’s lips as they sit in reflection for the New Year. You normally don’t get a lot of reflection and more classic styles of Jewish whining.

The thing is, I’ve fasted since I can remember. The earliest fast being 5-6 years old. The holiday isn’t an easy one. Especially the thirst for some water. However, your body somehow accepts after a few years the skill to not feel the hunger as a jab to the stomach, but as a warm soft burn. You feel it, but it’s not a painful annoyance.

When Yom Kippur is not like that I know that my body really is not right. I know this, because I feel nothing. I go the whole time not thirsty or hungry. I just am. And by the time I get to the food I take and bite and escape the dinner table of grouchy feasting Yids.

Maybe I was looking for something this Yom Kippur when I didn’t get the feeling I wanted. Maybe I wanted a sign that my metabolism wasn’t at a standstill and the things were moving in my body besides the things that cause me pain. Maybe I wanted some sense of normalcy. That even when now living a ‘sick’ life style parts haven’t changed.

I guess the only winner was the holiday this year. It definitely got its self-reflection.

A brooding,

I.L. Knight

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Yom Kippur

On Being Sick and Not Looking Sick :

Alright. So I never fully intended on having an article that summed up all the cons and struggles of suddenly being sick in a way that people can’t see from the outside. I was fully intent on leaving that out in the grey filled imaginary space of my “future-podcast”. However, a damn anime I knew about ages ago pulled on my heart strings. The anime is called Jikan No Shihaisha (Chronos Ruler). One of the characters in the anime suffers from a form of continuous memory loss due to the ‘losing of personal time’. At the end of the anime the conclusion of the arc results in the main character hearing his mother say: “Thank you for being born. I’m glad I got to be your mom.” I know that’s completely not a Western sentiment, so it’s something that could never naturally be said. But…. Even still, I wish I could hear something like that. I wonder how many problems could disappear when feeling your mom whole heartedly say something like that. The best I ever got was the consolation prize post insult of: “I guess you turned out pretty well…You weren’t what I wanted or hoped for, but you aren’t really a bad person.” I wonder. I wonder if my parents are actually thankful for me being born, or are they just thankful they didn’t end up with something else?

I mean, I’ve never even met my father. I say father, because due to a cheesy pillow my grandfather had on his large sofa chair as a child there is a clear distinction between Dad and father. The later being only the tittle for the inseminator. He was only married to my mom for around a year and they were young at the time. From what I hear he wasn’t even with my mom during the delivery. He was at McDonalds. So, I don’t think he’d ever qualify for something like being thankful for my birth.

And my mom? Well, I don’t really know how to feel about my mom most of the time. There’s a lost of hurt and sadness, sure. There is also a shit ton of rage and dissatisfaction. We definitely have more problems then any one child parent relationship should have… But, if she said something like that I don’t know if I would even feel it. I have to think the words would just feel empty. I mean, it would be like telling someone to say words they themselves don’t mean really.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want something I can never have. Because even if it is said, it isn’t really real. It’s like an elusive shadow I’m chasing as some sort of validation that at least one of my parents or someone wanted the me that I am.

It’s not like I can look to my grandparents for that. They see what I can become, but something like that isn’t really what you are. If all people see is the what ifs, the hows it going and the where have you beens you don’t really see ‘WHO’ in the picture. Do you?

I mean seriously look at the relationship in Jikan No Shihaisha. Even the MC’s son is giving his whole life to find a way to save his father’s memories. And they have a strained relationship at times! Hell, if it was my family the answer would be to ignore medication, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and find a better job to afford more things for yourself. I don’t think anyone of us could that for another member of our family…

It’s like chasing that shadow reveals another kind of sickness people can have. I don’t know if it’s a longing or a feeling of remorse, but it’s something. Another type of darkness inside of you that eats away at you without anyone noticing a g-ddamn thing from how you seem on the outside.

A picture perfect sickness…

I.L. Knight

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Chronos Ruler OP

Carnival !

Alright sooo. I have been super behind on posts. I have about 7 posts I think that are done and just need their images and music links BUT I can’t post them just yet. You see the reason I am behind is I am going to Carnival today !!! In fact I am typing up a blog post on my phone the first time to let y’all know.  A week of preparations and forcing myself to commit to having fun again is about to pay off. If any of y’all are in Miami or at the festival do find me and say hi!

A promise for more better posts to come,

I.L. Knight

– Snapchat: ilknights.watch

– Twitter: nambit.kisa

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Big Bad Soca – Bunji Garlin